Dazzle and Stretch: The Twilight Musical
by Elysian III
Summary: About three things we are absolutely positive: First, vampires CAN tap-dance.  Second, flashy costumes make the glitter that much prettier.  And third, music makes anything ten times better.  Written for twi-hards and twi-haters alike!
1. Cast and Musical Numbers

Disclaimer: We don't own Twilight. Nor do we want to. We don't own the songs either-but we wouldn't mind claiming those if we had the chance.

Sarah: I wouldn't say no to owning Twilight. Do you know how much money that bitch makes?

*Crickets chirp*

**SCENES AND MUSICAL NUMBERS**

**CAST OF CHARACTERS**

_(In order of appearance)_

Carlisle Cullen…Carlisle Cullen

Aro…Aro

Marcus…Marcus

Caius…Caius

Edward Cullen…Edward Cullen

Esme Cullen…Esme Cullen

Rosalie Hale…Rosalie Hale

Emmett Cullen…Emmett Cullen

Jasper Hale…Jasper Hale

Alice Cullen…Alice Cullen

Mike Newton…Mike Newton

Jessica Stanley…Jessica Stanley

Charlie Swan…Charlie Swan

Jacob Black…Jacob Black

Bella Swan…Bella Swan

(If you don't get it now, you're never going to)

**UNDERSTUDIES**

_Understudies for Edward Cullen_—Mike Newton, Jacob Black

_Understudies__ for Bella Swan_—Angela Webber, Jane, Tanya

_Understudy for Carlisle Cullen_—Dmitri

_For Esme Cullen—_Siobhan, Victoria

_For Emmett Cullen—_Eric Yorkie, Garrett

_For Alice Cullen—_Kate, Renesmee

_For Rosalie Hale__—_Jessica Stanley

_For Jasper Hale__—_James

_For Jacob Black__—_Sam Uley, Seth Clearwater, Paul, Embry Call, Quil Ateara

_For Aro__—_Alec, Marcus

_For Caius__-_Charlie

_For Marcus__—_Sound Guy #4

**ENSEMBLES**

**The Cullens:**

Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale, Jasper Hale and Alice Cullen

**The Volturi:**

Aro, Marcus, Caius, Jane and Alec

**The Fork****s Folks:**

Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Angela Webber, Eric Yorkie, Ben Cheney, Tyler Crowley and Charlie Swann

**The Wolf Pack:**

Jacob Black, Sam Uley, Seth Clearwater, Leah Clearwater, Paul, Embry Call and Quil Ateara

**The Bad Vamps:**

Laurent, Victoria and James

**The Irish Coven:**

Liam, Maggie, Siobhan

**The Egypt****ian Coven:**

Amun, Benjamin, Kebi, Tia

**The Denali Coven:**

Carmen, Eleazar, Kate, Tanya, Vasilii

**The Amazon Coven:**

Kachiri, Senna, Zafrina

**The Romanian Coven:**

Stefan, Vladimir

**The Vampire Chorus:**

The Irish Coven, The Egyptian Coven, The Denali Coven, The Amazon Coven, The Romanian Coven, Peter, Charlotte, and Garrett

**WHO'S WHO in the CAST**

ALEC _(Alec) _is no stranger to the theatre, having previously starred as Toby in _Sweeney Todd_ and Gavroche in _Les Miserables_. He's thrilled to claim those roles typically assigned to pre-pubescent boys, despite the fact that he is 300 years old. Good thing _he_ changed before his voice did!

AMUN _(The Egyptian Coven) _is quietly pleased to be involved in this production. His deep and sexy voice has been heard on Broadway as Mufasa in _The Lion King_ and you might recognize him from his most recent role in the Old Spice commercials. Swan dive!

QUIL ATEARA (_The Wolf Pack)_ wants the audience to know that his imprint situation is not as creepy as Stephanie Meyer portrays it to be. He has previously guest starred in _Law and Order SVU_ and _Criminal Minds_, and he is thrilled to finally bring his talent to the stage. Shout out to his honey on her fifth birthday!

ARO _(Aro) _has had the great honor of playing the King in _The King and I_ six times! Six—count 'em—six times! He credits this streak to his knack for ruling and his kingly air, which comes naturally, of course. He'd like to thank the little people.

BENJAMIN _(The Egyptian Coven) _promises clear skies and sunny days for the duration of this production, with a slight chance of spring wind coming out of the northwest. No, really…he'll make sure of it. His passion for the theatre has led him to star in multiple productions of _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat_ as Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Naphtali, Issachar, Asher, Dan, Zebulun, Gad, Benjamin, Judah, Joseph, and the Pharaoh. This is his first time playing in a production other than _Joseph_, and he's not sure how he feels about it yet. Go go go Joe!

JACOB BLACK _(Jacob Black) _was introduced to the theatre at the tender age of five when he played Tam in _Miss Saigon_. He has since played in _West Side Story _(Jet #1) and _Gypsy_ (Newsboy #1). He is always looking for further roles in the dramatic arts, so should you ever need an ethnically ambiguous actor, give him a call!

CAIUS _(Caius) _has previously starred in the original production of Sweeney Todd (Anthony). In case he gets a little heated during the performance, he wishes to apologize in advance to the person sitting in seat A13; it's closest to the stage, although it is your fault—_you_ bought the ticket.

ELEAZAR _(The Denali Coven)_ has the most pointless power ever.

EMBRY CALL _(The Wolf Pack)_ is making his theatrical debut. As in his real life, he is a virgin to the theatre, and he would like to thank his buddies in the wolf pack for forcing him into this endeavor.

CARMEN _(The Denali Coven)_ was the inspiration for the opera _Carmen_ and for the character Carmen San Diego. She is pleased as punch to be here, don't ya know?

CHARLOTTE _(Charlotte)_ is returning to the theatre after a seventy-year hiatus from film, when she played Scarlett O'Hara in the original _Gone With the Wind_.

BEN CHENEY _(The Fork Folks)_ is the perpetual nice guy, with previous roles as Princeton in _Avenue Q_, Christian in _Moulin Rouge_, and _Rusty_ in _Starlight Express_.

LEAH CLEARWATER _(The Wolf Pack) _states that she took part in this production to take a break from the tragic roles that she's so well known for—Eponine in _Les Miserables, _Kim in _Miss Saigon_, Natalie in _Next to Normal, _Rapunzel in _Into the Woods_, and Mimi in _RENT_.

SETH CLEARWATER _(The Wolf Pack)_ is notorious for tripping over his own feet—a rare talent that earned him the role of Tumblebrutus in the off-Broadway production of _Cats_. He has most recently been seen as Dracula in _Dracula Jr._, but is pleased to be returning to his werewolfy roots with this role.

TYLER CROWLEY _(The Fork Folks)_ is relatively new to the stage, having only played in one previous production as Ron Weasley in _Riddle-De-Dee: The Voldemort Musical_. He wishes he were getting paid for this role, as his van still requires extensive repairs after its encounter with one Bella Swan.

ALICE CULLEN _(Alice Cullen) _joined this production after leaving the farewell tour of _Cats _(Victoria). She has also starred as Laurie in the off-Broadway production of _Oklahoma! _In addition to her role as Alice Cullen, Alice was happy to lend her talents as choreographer for this show as well.

CARLISLE CULLEN _(Carlisle Cullen) _has previously starred as Dr. Jekyll in _Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_ and Clauss Barbie in _Springtime for Hitler_. Though his busy schedule at the hospital has made it difficult for Carlisle to attend rehearsals, he is happy that he was able to see this production through to the end.

EDWARD CULLEN _(Edward Cullen) _quite enjoyed his roles in _Legally Blonde _(Warner), _Starlight Express _(Electra), _Mamma Mia _(Skye), and the original production of _Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella_ (Prince Christopher). His most recent venture was as Adam in the Forks Community Players production of _Children of Eden. _In his spare time, Edward serves as the resident hair stylist for the woodland creatures of the forest. He particularly enjoys giving perms to possums.

EMMETT CULLEN _(Emmett Cullen) _has been seen in _Grease _(Danny) and _Beauty and the Beast _(Gaston). He hopes that his appearance in this performance will grant luck to his favorite football team this season. Go Grizzlies!

ESME CULLEN _(Esme Cullen) _is making her theatrical debut. Kissy-kissy, smooch-smooch to my hubby, Carlisle, for giving me the push I needed to get involved!

GARRETT _(Garrett) _is glad to make a small appearance in this show after his stint as Berger in _Hair_, particularly since his last role gave him the munchies. He would like to take this opportunity to ask Kate if she would be his mate for life. I'll follow you anywhere, woman.

ROSALIE HALE _(Rosalie Hale) _is surprised she didn't get a larger role, considering she has such a strong repertoire of theatre experience. She has previously starred in _Legally Blonde _(Elle), _Wicked _(Glinda), _Mamma Mia_ (Sophie), _The Phantom of the Opera _(Carlotta), and _Beauty and the Beast _(Blonde Triplet #3).

JASPER HALE _(Jasper Hale) _is thrilled to be making the transition from film to stage following his appearance in the original Star Wars trilogy as Jedi Knight #4 and his more current adaptation of M. Night Shaymalan's _The Last Airbender _in the role of Sokka (pronounced SOCK-AHH, not SOAK-AH).

IRINA _(Irina)_ was not available for comment at this time.

JAMES _(James)_ is an expert at Operatic theatre and has previously been seen in such productions as _La Boheme, Aida, The Magic Flute, Carmen _and _Don Giovanni_. James is an adamant do-gooder, volunteering at soup kitchens and homeless shelters across the country…places where people won't be missed.

JANE _(Jane) _is not quite pleased to be playing yet another child's role after her seasonal run as Electra in _Cats_, Baby June in _Gypsy _and Annie in _Annie_. She also appeared as Dakota Fanning on _Oprah_. Her internal bitterness is due to her inability to break out of the child star mold seeing as she is forever young.

KACHIRI _(The Amazon Coven)_ is barely in this production, and likes it that way.

KATE _(The Denali Coven) _is glad to make a small appearance in this production after working as an electrical engineer on _The Sound of Music_, _Hello Dolly_, _Cabaret_, and _Fiddler on the Roof_. She would like to take this opportunity to say yes to Garrett's proposal, as it was a long time in coming.

KEBI _(The Egyptian Coven)_ has hidden for years the fact that she starred in _Dreamgirls_ and _The Wiz_, as she always believed that Amun would disapprove of her stealing his spotlight. Yet she won't complain if she happens to get more applause than her hubby. Love you Munkey!

LAURENT _(Laurent) _has previously starred in _Into the Woods _as Cinderella's Prince/The Wolf. During the decade he was known as 'Laura'—the decade Laurent fondly refers to as his 'college years'—he appeared as Rafiki in the Broadway production of _The Lion King._

LIAM _(The Irish Coven)_ was the first choice for the voice of Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia movies, but turned it down to devote his time to family and this musical. We don't get it either.

MAGGIE _(The Irish Coven) _has previously starred as Ariel in the Broadway production of _The Little Mermaid._ Immediately following this production, she is scheduled to begin filming for the new hit web series _Monster Squad _as the leprechaun, Paddy, which is due to premiere this coming August.

MARCUS _(Marcus)_ is the strong, silent type. He likes long moonlit walks down the streets of Volterra, holding hands and sharing blood sundaes heated to a mouth-watering 98.6 degrees.

NAHUEL _(Nahuel) _has been brought out of his comfort zone for the sole purpose of starring in this production and plans to return to the jungle AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!

MIKE NEWTON _(Mike Newton) _has previously been in nothing starring as nobody. He is a douche. 'Nuff said.

PAUL _(The Wolf Pack) _is currently in Anger Management and was not available for comment.

PETER _(Peter) _began his career as a model, hitting the catwalks in Paris, Milan and Tokyo. He has since retired his high heels and is looking for a career that is not quite so superficial. He states that he will begin looking in earnest _after_ this show.

SENNA _(The Amazon Coven) _is part of this production after playing Arwen in _Lord of the Rings: The Musical_. She is particularly excited to participate in the final battle scene…ooh, wait, what battle? Burn.

SIOBHAN _(The Irish Coven)_ is well-known for her roles in musicals based on books, though most of those musicals were more…literary…than her current role. She has previously starred in _Jane Eyre_ (Blanche Ingrim), _Little Women_ (Meg), _Lord of the Rings _(Galadriel), _Pride and Prejudice _(Jane), and _Phantom of the Opera_ (Christine).

JESSICA STANLEY _(Jessica Stanley)_ is a normal example of what a regular teenage girl should be. And yet everyone hates her. **Why?**

STEFAN _(The Romanian Coven)_ flatly refused to provide a bio…but the production team is sure that he's glad to be here.

BELLA SWAN (_Bella Swan) _is most proud of her recent role of Eve in the Forks Community Players production of _Children of Eden_. She recently took part in the Miss Washington contest at the urgings of every red-blooded teenage boy at Forks High School (yeah, we don't understand it either), and was named second runner-up (second loser). She also received the title of Miss Banality.

CHARLIE SWAN _(Charlie Swan) _is utterly relieved to be taking part in this production, as he wishes to banish all memories of his role as Father in the Forks Community Players production of _Children of Eden, _which no one seems to realize was a complete train wreck and utter debauchery of musical theatre.

TANYA _(The Denali Coven) _wishes that Bella were a more worthy adversary for Edward's affections.

TIA _(The Egyptian Coven) _is in her debut role in this performance, seeing as how she's never left Egypt. However, talent scouts have already snapped her up, and she is slated for an upcoming Broadway production of _The Princess and the Frog _(Tiana).

SAM ULEY _(The Wolf Pack) _has only been seen in the movie _Dances With Wolves _with Kevin Costner, where he played the lone wolf Two-Socks. He is excited to appear in his first stage production as a human.

VASILII _(The Denali Coven) _is thinking of changing his name after being teased mercilessly by Tanya and Kate, who repeatedly call him 'Vaseline'.

VICTORIA _(Victoria) _has previously been seen in _Moulin Rouge_ (Satine) and _Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical_ as Ginny, for which she won a Tony Award for Most Fiery Redhead in a Musical Comedy Based on an Award-Winning Best-Selling Book Series.

VLADIMIR _(The Romanian Coven)_ has been in everything. No, really—he has starred in such productions as _Our Town, Death of a Salesman, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Raisin in the Sun, A Streetcar Named Desire, The Glass Menagerie, Zoo Story, Romeo and Juliet, Volpone, King Lear, _and _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ as King Arthur.

ANGELA WEBBER _(The Fork Folks) _made her acting debut as Jasmine in the Forks Community Players production of _Aladdin Jr. _when she was 12. She has since had the honor of playing Annie in _Annie, Get Your Gun_ and Liesel in _The Sound of Music_. Her favorite and most recent role was as Amneris in the off-Broadway production of _Aida._

ERIC YORKIE _(The Fork Folks) _has previously been seen in _Peter Pan _as Nana/The Crocodile. His most recent role as the Duck in _Pippin _was so poignant that many audience members cried when he died. Nevertheless, he is quite willing to put aside his beak for a few weeks and tackle a human role.

ZAFRINA _(The Amazon Coven) _is prepared to provide a hallucination should you find yourself hating this show.

**ACT I**

**Scene 1:** Carlisle

"Vampire Hunt"…Carlisle Cullen

"Transformation"…Carlisle Cullen

"Volturi" …Carlisle Cullen and The Volturi

**Scene 2:** Edward

"The New World"…Carlisle Cullen and Edward Cullen

"Bachelor Pad"…Carlisle Cullen and Edward Cullen

**Scene 3:** Esme

"Heartbeat"…Carlisle Cullen and Esme Cullen

**Scene 4:** Rosalie

"Beauty" …Rosalie Hale

"I Think You've Lost Your Mind" …Carlisle Cullen, Edward Cullen, Esme Cullen and Rosalie Hale

**Scene 5:** Emmett

"Man vs. Beast" …Emmett Cullen

"Repressing the Urge" …Rosalie Hale

**Scene 6:** Alice and Jasper

"Sudden Appearance…Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale and Jasper Hale

"Here We Are" …The Cullens

**ACT II**

**Scene 1:** Twilight

"The Cullen Family" …The Fork Folks

"Repressing the Urge (Reprise)" …Edward Cullen

"He is a Vampire" …Jacob Black

**Scene 2:** Midnight Sun

"The Lion and the Lamb" …Edward Cullen and Bella Swan

"The Vampires Who Don't Drink Human Blood" …The Cullens

"Bad Vamps"…The Bad Vamps

**Scene 3:** New Moon

"Protecting Bella" …Edward Cullen

"'Noble Cause" …The Volturi

**Scene 4:** Eclipse

"Never Going to Work" …Edward Cullen, Jacob Black and Alice Cullen

"Bad Vamp (Reprise)" …Victoria

**Scene 5:** Bella

"The Wedding" …Edward Cullen and Bella Swan

"New Life" …Bella Cullen and Rosalie Hale

"Imprint" …Jacob Black

"Nessie" …Bella Swan

**Scene 6:** Breaking Dawn

"Worldwide Vamps" …The Vampire Chorus

"Final Showdown" …The Volturi, The Cullens, The Vampire Chorus, The Wolf Pack, Bella Cullen, and Nahuel

"So Now We've Won" …The Vampire Chorus, The Cullens, Bella Cullen and The Wolf Pack

THERE WILL BE ONE 15 MINUTE INTERMISSION

All should note that the use of electronic devices such as cell phones, beepers and video cameras is strictly prohibited while the production is in progress. If anyone is found using said device, they will be escorted out of the theatre…by Jane. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


	2. Act 1, Scene 1: Carlisle

Disclaimer: Do we really need to say it?...*sigh*..._Fine_...We don't own Twilight, never have, never will.

1.1 Carlisle

In front of the closed curtain, a dark-haired woman in her late thirties walks to center stage. With a somber-yet-slightly-dreamy look on her face, Stephanie Meyer addresses the audience. "Vampires. For hundreds of years, they have been misunderstood, portrayed as beasts who terrorize the twilight, villains who rise with the new moon, as monsters who hide in the shadows of the eclipse and depart by the breaking dawn. But the truth of the matter is that vampires aren't very different from you and me. They are simply sparkly, immortal, eternally-youthful, ever-beautiful versions of humans who like their meat a little bit rarer, or no meat at all, just…blood. That's not so odd, is it?"

She shakes her head sympathetically, and then continues:

"This show—and its inspiration—were created to debunk those nasty, old-fashioned rumors. And so, we open in a time of darkness, when vampires were regarded with even more fear than today." Behind her, the curtain opens, revealing a cobblestone London street. A mob of screaming people dressed in Victorian clothing run from one end of the stage to the other pursued by a cackling man with white skin and bared teeth.

"These poor, misunderstood vampires were hunted by vicious mobs, forced into hiding for nothing else than trying to survive." The screaming mob and vampire run across the stage again, this time followed by another group of people with torches. As soon as they disappear from the stage, Stephanie Meyer continues talking again as though the screaming people never existed.

"Our story begins not with one of the hunted, but with the hunter—a man by the name of Carlisle Cullen." The mob/vampire/mob runs across the stage once again, but this time the last group of people freezes in the center of the stage, and a spotlight shines on the man in the lead, a well-dressed blond man in his late twenties carrying a torch and a large wooden crucifix.

For the first time, Stephanie Meyer turns to acknowledge the people on stage, Carlisle in particular. "This is the story of Carlisle Cullen and his family. Let it begin!" With a dramatic arm swirl, she drops a smoke pellet and disappears down a trapdoor in the stage.

On stage, the mob unfreezes and Carlisle turns to face his compatriots, holding his crucifix aloft. Motioning for silence, he begins to sing:

**"Vampire Hunt"**

To the tune of "Wanted (Dead or Alive)" by Jon Bon Jovi

Sung by Carlisle Cullen

_I'm a leader, just like my father before_

_Preach against all this evil demon lore_

_We rise to fight the darkness of the night_

_Restore our world back to sacred light_

_There're vampires, running for their lives_

_We must slay them_

_They mustn't survive_

_Slay them_

_They mustn't survive..._

Carlisle picks up a handful of pitchforks and begins tossing them to people in the crowd, pointing them in different directions. Pairs of people begin to disperse offstage on their vampire hunts while the song continues.

_We're on the trail of a coven that I've found_

_It's our destiny from God that we must hunt them down_

_We'll find them one by one_

_And we'll put an end to this_

_The murder in the streets by the vampire menace_

_He's a vampire, running for his life_

_I must slay him_

_He mustn't survive_

_Slay him_

_He mustn't survive..._

_Oh he will die!_

During the musical interlude, the last few people depart with their pitchforks, leaving Carlisle alone in the middle of the stage. He begins to search fruitlessly for the vampire, shading his eyes and looking into the audience. Meanwhile, the vampire from before sneaks up behind him, attacking him and biting him on the neck before running off. Carlisle slumps to the ground, holding his newly injured neck and looking horrified. Upon hearing the noises from the mob coming closer, he struggles to his feet again, locating the "sewer" trapdoor in the stage.

_I'm a vampire; I'm running for my life_

_They'll slay me_

_But I must survive_

_I've been attacked; I am becoming what I hate_

_The hunt will go on, but for me it is too late_

_I must escape; I must crawl away_

_I was once the hunter but now I am the prey_

_I'm a vampire; I'm running for my life_

_They'll slay me_

_But I must survive!_

With that, he disappears into the same trapdoor as Stephanie Meyer a moment before two vampire hunters return to the scene. One of the men stops short, asking, "Where'd Carlisle go?" The pitchfork-bearers begin searching the scene, confused as to where their leader has gone.

His partner speaks up: "You don't think he…"

"Found him without us? Probably."

"Lucky bastard." Suddenly, the second man grabs the arm of the other guy. "Did you hear that?"

After a guilty pause, the first vampire hunter responds, "No."

"Well, then I heard something. I think it came from over there. What do you think it was?"

"Oh, nothing. Probably just a hungry, blood-thirsty vampire who wants to suck us dry and pick our corpses clean," the first hunter replies in a casual tone.

"Let's check it out." Both men disappear off stage without even glancing toward the trapdoor "manhole", leaving their leader to rot in the sewers while they chase their new adventure. As they leave the stage, the London buildings pull back, replaced with smooth walls formed in a circular tunnel. Suddenly, a figure drops from the ceiling, landing in a thin layer of sewer water with a _splash_ing sound. Twitching madly, Carlisle fights the pain to curl into a fetal position. But apparently, he is not in so much agony that he cannot sing:

**"Transformation"**

To the tune of "Bye, Bye, Bye" by NSync

Sung by Carlisle Cullen

_Burn, burn, burn (burn echoes)_

_Burn, burn,_

_Oww, oww._

_I never thought that I_

_Would ever really wish to die_

_But now I cannot lie_

_I want this to end_

_This fire in my veins_

_I think I'm gonna go insane_

_If I can't stop this pain; I'm losing control_

_Transforming into a vampire_

_I'm gonna turn_

_There's no way I can stop this fire_

_Baby burn, burn, burn_

Almost as if he can't control the actions in his limbs, Carlisle gets to his feet and begins to dance in a jerky manner, a weird cross between the Macarena and the Robot.

_Burn burn_

_My heart is turning into lead_

_Pretty sure it feels as though I'm halfway dead_

_Insides churning but I'm gonna turn_

_Baby burn, burn, burn_

_Burn burn_

_A quickened pulse and then it stops_

_So I feel like I'm alive but I'm really not_

_I'll be a vampire_

_After I turn_

_No more burn, burn, burn_

With a last screech and robotic flourish, Carlisle falls back to the ground, twitches once, and then falls still. Then, slowly, he raises himself to his feet once again, inspecting his hands and fingers. When he turns to the audience, the slats of sunlight coming through the sewer grate illuminate his skin in little sparkles, an effect that he examines with growing horror and disgust on his face.

"Eurgh!" he yells. "So not only am I a monster, but now I'm sparkly, too? I can't live like this!" He flops face down, trying to drown himself in the shallow sewer water. After a few moments, he gets to his knees, spitting out the rancid water. "Damn it! How's a guy supposed to kill himself if he doesn't have to breathe?" He tries a couple other ways, attempting to stab himself but only managing to bend the blade and throwing himself under a carriage but ending up breaking the wheels. Finally, Carlisle tries to shoot himself, and then giggles madly like the bullet tickles him. He throws down the gun in frustration.

"Fine! I might be doomed to be a monster, but that doesn't mean I'm going to live like one! I'm going to get some culture!" He marches to the edge of the curtain to grab a suitcase that reads: _Italy or Bust_. He meanders around the stage in a sightseeing manner, and meanwhile the sewer setting is replaced with another cityscape, this time of ancient Italy. Other people begin strolling around him as well, though these people are all dressed in long, bloodred robes. Carlisle pulls out a map and begins studying it confusedly, while about a dozen robed figures circle him and begin closing in. Finally, he looks up and jumps slightly in surprise.

"Oh! Hi."

The two figures in front of him turn their hooded heads to each other, then wave tentatively at him.

"Maybe you can help me? I think I'm completely lost. I'm looking for—" his voice drops to a whisper—"the famous vampire coven, the Volturi?"

The two figures exchange another look, then the one on the left flips back his hood, revealing a shoulder-length head of dark hair and a pale papery face. Enthusiastically, Aro announces in a game show voice, "Then you've come to the right place!"

Carlisle looks delighted as the red robed figures line up to either side of him in a can-can dance. When their robes flip open, they reveal sequined linings that glitter like stars. Carlisle steps in front of the line and starts to sing:

**"Volturi"**

To the tune of "Love Shack" by The B-52s

Sung by Carlisle Cullen and The Volturi

_Carlisle: I have traveled all this way to this ancient city_

_To learn culture taught by-_

_All: Volturi! Volturi!_

_We stand above all the other Cold Ones_

_Known for being art patrons_

_Of the fine arts we are patrons_

One by one, the robed figures leave the line and return to the stage carrying various paintings, sculptures, and scrolls to "show off" to Carlisle before tossing them off stage again.

_Aro: Of all the vampires, we are far more refined_

_We're the royalty of vampire kind_

_Marcus: We enforce the one rule and punish transgressors_

_Who toe the line and threaten the life we live for_

_All: Volturi are the law of the land when_

_You become a vampire_

_Volturi! The Volturi!_

_Behave! Or we'll kill you!_

_Behave! Or we'll kill you!_

Breaking from their dances, the Volturi start to circle Carlisle again, this time in an even more nefarious manner. They close in on him, and the spotlights centers on his face frozen in an _Oh-crap-what-did-I-get-myself-into? _expression, before fading to black.


	3. Act 1, Scene 2: Edward

Disclaimer: Own Twilight, we do not.

1.2 Edward

A spotlight appears, illuminating stage left just as a large group of people enter. Many of them are holding cameras or video recorders, and a few have fanny packs strapped around their waists. There is even a man dressed in the clichéd tourist get-up—oversized Hawaiian print shirt, Bermuda shorts, socks, sandals, fanny pack, sunglasses, and floppy fisherman's hat. All are looking up and around in awe, as though enjoying the sights of an ancient city—which they are. Columns are placed in the corners of the stage, giving the setting a distinctly ancient look. A man leads them to the middle of the stage before turning to face the tour group. With a wide smile, he starts speaking:

"And I hoped you noticed the _beautiful _architecture on the face of the building as we entered. You won't get a chance to see it again, since we're on such a tight schedule."

A woman in front begins snapping pictures as fast as she possibly can, turning around in endless circles before finally becoming dizzy and collapsing to the floor. The tour guide continues his spiel.

"And now is the _piece de resistance_ of our tour today…but unfortunately, it's not going to be for everyone!"

A series of groans from the group met this remark. Unbeknownst to the tourists, a line of red-cloaked individuals enter from stage right, taking their places right behind them in a half circle.

"Now…who among you had a _sweet_ breakfast this morning—donuts, cappuccino, brioche…?"

A cloaked figure near the end of the line leans over to the person next to him and mutters "Good thing, 'cause I'm watching my girlish figure."

No one steps forward and the tour guides smiles indulgently, "Oh, let's be honest, people! We're just splitting up the group a little bit!" At this, several tourists step forward and, mumbling and grumbling, exit the stage.

"How about those of you who _didn't _eat breakfast today?" Two more people walk offstage. The one-man peanut gallery comments again, "Yeah, otherwise we're hungry again an hour later."

The tour guide clears his throat and says with a wide smile, "And last but not least, if there are any vegans in this group…get out _right now_ and don't come back!" Five people are left standing on the stage as the rest all but run off.

Again, the cloaked figure leans over to his buddy, "You know that's right!" This time, his friend elbows him, muttering, "Shut up, Caius!"

As soon as the last vegan exits, the cloaked figures move to flank the remaining tourists. The tour guide smiles, "And if the rest of you would just follow my friends here, you'll be in for a real treat!"

As the tour group is escorted offstage by the cloaked figures, the last cloaked figure (the one next to the smart-aleck) breaks away, walking in place until the last person is out of sight. Then he whips the hood off of his face, revealing his identity: Carlisle Cullen. Carlisle runs over to the corner of the stage and pulls a suitcase out from behind the column standing there, followed by a duffel bag, two knapsacks, a backpack, three burlap sacks and an odd-looking hat, which he places on his head. Hefting his luggage, he walks to the middle of the stage, where he sets his bags down again, sits on the largest case, and pulls out a piece of parchment and quill. With tongue between his teeth, he begins writing, saying the words aloud as he writes.

"My dear friends, I'm sorry, but I need to find my own way in life. You must have realized that we are not compatible as a coven. It's not you, it's me—I just can't live with your violence; it sickens me and I can tell that you don't understand how I'm feeling. As for me, I'm off to America to find someone with whom I can share my life the way _I_ want to live it. Yours, Carlisle. P.S. Don't feel like you have to wait to redecorate my room; I know Marcus wanted a sewing room; just don't let him use purple, no matter what he says."

Finishing, Carlisle rolls up the parchment and ties it closed. Then he walks back to the center of the stage, opens his mouth and begins singing. Throughout the first half of the song, he paces up and down the stage, peering into the audience as though searching intently for something. Meanwhile, the setting behind him changes as the columns disappear and hospital beds—complete with patients in hospital gowns—are wheeled onstage by extras dressed as doctors and nurses. Carlisle dons his own doctor's coat.

**"The New World"**

To the tune of "When You Were Young" by the Killers

Sung by Carlisle Cullen and Edward Cullen

_Carlisle: Oh I needed an escape_

_Opposed to what my old coven and_

_Other immortals may say_

_Screw the Volturi_

_USA, here I come!_

_I'll practice medicine in this place_

_Cure the sick and the suffering, that's what I'll offer_

_In this new world_

_Many years have passed, and yet still_

_I feel as if something is missing_

_The yearning for a family I will fill_

_Perhaps a wife, or who knows, maybe a son?_

_I'm looking for a friend or companion_

_Someone to ease my loneliness, the company I miss_

_In this new world_

_In this new world_

_I seem to have searched in vain_

_All the vampires I have met are daft_

_In this new world_

Still singing, Carlisle moves to stand behind one of the hospital beds, ignoring the other groaning invalids. He strokes the hair of his chosen patient—Edward Anthony Mason, soon-to-be Edward Cullen.

_So perhaps a friend I'll never find_

_I've thought of another way_

_Save from death one of mankind_

_Give him immortality_

_There's a boy that is dying_

_There is no one left to watch over him_

_Transform him where he lies_

_I'm his only hope_

_I'll bite him to save his life_

_He isn't quite the wife I wanted_

_Still I will be a father and that's what I'll offer_

_In this new world_

_Edward: *echos* You'll be a father and that's what you'll offer_

_Carlise: In this new world_

_Oh well he isn't quite the wife I wanted_

_He isn't quite the wife I wanted_

_But now I have a son_

After finishing the last note, Carlisle leans over and bites Edward, who screams and writhes in agony. Carlisle checks his pocketwatch, muttering to himself "Time of death, 10:05 P.M." He then pulls up a chair to the side of bed to wait for Edward's transformation to be complete.

"Don't worry, kid. It won't last forever; another three days and you'll be good as new—only dead!"

Immediately, Edward jumps up from the hospital bed, exclaiming "You're right! I feel great!" He rips off his hospital gown, revealing clothes straight out of the early 1900s—long dress pants, fancy vest, and pocketwatch chain hanging from his chest.

Carlisle frowns in confusion, then checks his watch again. "Huh. That was a quick 72 hours."

Edward starts running around the stage like a squirrel on caffeine, testing his new speedy abilities and jumping off the walls (literally). Skidding to a stop in the middle of the stage, he sniffs the air. "This sense of smell is amazing! I can smell the meat pies down the street! And—" he sniffs again, wrinkles his nose, and looks at Carlisle. "Was that you?"

Carlisle adjusts himself nervously in his seat, coughs, then mutters in a defensive tone, "No!"

Edward places his hands on his hips. "Don't lie! I know it was! Geesh, can't you _warn _a person—er,vampire—before you crack one?"

"How do you know whether I'm lying or not?"

"Because you just thought 'Yes, it was me. Three times.' Wait—_three_? That's even worse!"

Carlisle strokes his chin à la old movie villain, though he is missing a beard. "Interesting. You _heard _me? This requires some investigating…paper, rock, scissors!"

Carlisle stands up and the two face each other. They bring their fists in front of them and, on the count of three, form scissors with their hands. Then paper. Then scissors again, and finally rock.

Carlisle strokes his chin again. "Hmmm. This will certainly take some-"

Edward finishes his sentence, "-getting used to."

Carlisle gives Edward a dirty look before turning to the audience, opening his mouth and singing:

**"Bachelor Pad"**

To the tune of "Macho Man" by the Village People

Sung by Carlisle and Edward Cullen

_Carlisle: For the first time I have found someone to share my fate_

_Like me, he'll live forever, and so he can relate_

_We must learn to deal with each our flaws_

_Or we both might long for how it was_

_But I must admit that something might be off_

_Cause sometimes I feel like-_

_Edward: I can read his thoughts!_

_Both: How. Can. This be true!_

_We must both be nuts_

_Something is off—we'll find out what_

_This case we will shut_

_Between you and me, we'll find out_

_Carlisle: If he can read thoughts_

_I have to say it explains a lot!_

_Edward: This power can't be taught_

_We'll crack the code and find out!_

_Carlisle: I have a hunch that there might be more than meets the eye_

_And I suspect that it's because he's such a caring guy_

_So now he can read minds, even mine_

_This might train him not to cross the line_

_He'll become a friend on whom I can rely_

_But I might as well kiss-_

_Edward: Your privacy goodbye!_

_Carlisle: Will. You. Cut that out?_

_Both: We must both be nuts_

_Something is off—we'll find out what_

_This case we will shut_

_Between you and me, we'll find out_

_Carlisle: If he can read thoughts_

_I have to say it explains a lot!_

_Edward: This power can't be taught_

_We'll crack the code and find out!_

_Both: We must both be nuts_

_Something is off—we'll find out what_

_This case we will shut_

_Between you and me, we'll find out_

_Carlisle: If he can read thoughts_

_I have to say it explains a lot!_

_Edward: This power can't be taught_

_We'll crack the code and find out! Hey!_

At the end of the song, both Carlisle and Edward are standing at either ends of the stage, where they moonwalk to the center before ending in the middle with their backs together in a 'tough guy pose'. As the lights dim, they can be seen flexing their arms to show their muscles.


	4. Act 1, Scene 3: Esme

1.3 Esme

The lights come up on a hospital room set. The furniture and style of the room suggest a time change, possibly ten years or so, but aside from that it is the same room Edward was transformed in. In the center of the stage is a bed with a woman lying in it, lifeless, as several doctors work over her. After a few moments, they all hang their heads, cover the woman's body, and mournfully exit stage right. As they leave, Carlisle enters from the opposite side of the stage, checking a clipboard. As he nears the bed, a bass drum can be heard faintly mimicking a heartbeat. Carlisle looks up from his clipboard, looking confused. He looks left, right, up, down. The beating slowly gets stronger, but he still cannot find it. He sticks his fingers into his ear as if clearing it out, then turns in a circle, and ends up looking under the bed. Finally, he seems to sense that the heartbeat he is hearing is coming from the corpse under the sheet. With a dramatic and unnecessary breath, Carlisle whips the sheet off the bed. He gasps in awe as the heartbeat stops, only for a moment, before resuming weakly, and breaks into song.

**"Heartbeat"**

To the tune of "Any Way You Want It" by Journey

Sung by Carlisle & Esme Cullen

_Carlise: If I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_She's still alive_

_There's not much time_

_The choice is mine_

_To save her life_

_To be my wife_

_I think her quite divine_

_Ooh love at first sight_

_Oh, first sight_

_Ooh love at first bite_

_Ooh, baby, hold tight_

_Oh, I said_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_I said, if I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_I will not fight_

_'Cause this feels right_

_True love's here tonight_

_Ooh, I love her_

_She is mine_

_She really is divine_

_Ooh love at first sight_

_Oh, first sight_

_Ooh love at first bite_

_Ooh, baby, hold tight_

_Oh, I said_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_I said, if I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

The music continues as Carlisle bends down on one knee and grabs Esme's hand, as if preparing to propose. It looks like he's going to kiss it, but wait! He gently bites it instead before moving to her neck to bite again. Once he finishes, he moves away, still holding her hand and watching her with baited breath. There is a short pause before Esme begins twitching, spazzing, and convulsing in the bed. Somehow the hand that Carlisle is holding manages to stay still, but the rest of her is moving. As she is freaking out, the bass drum heartbeat can be heard wildly pounding in an inhumanly fast tempo, and then suddenly it slows before finally stopping. Esme has finished convulsing, and after taking a deep breath she sits up, dazzlingly beautiful and ready to hit a high note.

_Esme: Ooooooh, ooooooh!_

_Hold on, hold on, hold on..._

Carlisle stands, extending a hand to Esme and helping her leap out of bed, before he embraces her and they sing together as they dance a rumba.

_Together: Oh, I said_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_I said, if I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_If I had a heartbeat_

_You would hear it calling_

_If I had a heartbeat..._

Still dancing and singing, Carlisle and Esme exit stage right, rumba-ing hard and not looking back. The curtain closes.


	5. Act 1, Scene 4: Rosalie

Author's Note: I don't know whether you've noticed at all, but we took an inordinate amount of pleasure in including small references to certain other books and shows that we are fond of. Some of them are subtle, while others are slap-you-in-the-face obvious. If you recognize something, don't hesitate to give a shout-out and let us know. Sneak preview of our NEXT musical to those of you who can correctly guess at least five.

Disclaimer: Haha. Please.

1.4 Rosalie

The curtain opens to show yet another scene change, this time featuring a girl's bedroom. Pink has taken over the world, from the look of it. The bedspread, the vanity, the curtains, and even the wooden dresser are all in the exact same shade of bubble gum pink. In fact, the only thing not entirely pink on stage is the blonde girl who is perched on the bed, brushing her hair dreamily. Finishing her task, Rosalie Hale stands and steps toward the full-length mirror next to her bed, clearly admiring her reflection. Blowing a kiss at the "stunningly beautiful" person in the mirror, she starts to sing:

**"Beauty"**

To the tune of "Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" by Brian Hyland

Sung by Rosalie Hale

_Rosalie: Bat, my, eyes, feast your eyes upon this prize._

_I was born to a family most proper,_

_Raised to be the belle of the ball,_

_I was born to a family most proper_

_And now I am the fairest of all._

_Bat, my, eyes, watch them all flock to my side._

_Beauty's all that matters, makes you special, nothing else is as essential,_

_And my face is more perfect than yours_

_That's all that matters, makes you special, nothing else is as essential,_

_Don't be jealous that men love me more._

_Bat, my, eyes, look at me seduce the guys._

Rosalie pulls a hand mirror from behind her back, turning away from the full-length mirror to flop backwards on her bed. She holds the smaller mirror above her head, continuing to admire herself before bringing it to her lips and bestowing a kiss on her own reflection.

A voice comes from off-stage, interrupting Rosalie's make-out session with herself.

"Miss Hale! Mr. King is here!"

She jumps up and makes her way from her room, still admiring herself in her hand mirror. The pink furniture is moved from the stage as she moves to the right.

A well-dressed man makes his entrance from stage right. Not only is he dressed in the height of 1930s fashion, but his hair is impeccably coifed and his ensemble is completed by his snobbish expression. He bows to Rosalie, receiving a distracted curtsey in return, before taking her arm and meandering with her around the stage in a lovely nighttime stroll. Mr. Royce King II maintains a one-sided conversation with Rosalie, bragging about everything under the sun and receiving little more than syllabic responses. Finally, he gets fed up with Rosalie's preoccupation with her mirror.

"Are you listening to me?" Again, her only response is a muffled "Mhmm" as she strokes her flawless skin.

"That is _it!_" King flings her hand from his arm, finally drawing her attention away from her reflection. He steps away from her.

"You never listen to me, and I have had enough!" He brings his now-unoccupied hand to his mouth and lets out a piercing whistle. Almost immediately, they are joined on stage by five other men, all equally as well-dressed and polished as King and with similar looks of menace on their faces.

Rosalie takes one look around at her would-be attackers and faints dead away, hitting the stage with a loud _thunk_. Her hand still clutches the hand mirror as if it is her lifeline.

Slightly confused, the men step closer. King bends to examine her, then exchanges looks and shrugs with his cohorts before exiting, stage left. He takes care to step directly on Rosalie's mirror, breaking it with a sharp _crack_, before following his minions offstage.

Rosalie's inert form is left in the middle of the stage. The spotlight centers on her, masking the entrance of another character from stage right. Carlisle crawls toward her, his nose to the floor like a bloodhound.

"I smell blood," he hisses. "_I smell blood_!"

He makes his way to Rosalie's side, then pulls himself to his knees. He examines her from head to toe with a look of concern on his face.

"Uh oh," he mutters. Getting to his feet, he grabs Rosalie's hands and proceeds to drag her back downstage and to the right, where Esme and Edward are facing one another, playing paper, rock, scissors. Edward wins every time, no doubt due to his mind-reading abilities. Their game interrupted, he turns to gape at his adoptive father.

"Are you crazy? You've brought _her _here?"

Carlisle holds up a hand, then sings in defense:

**"I Think You've Lost Your Mind"**

To the tune of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain

Sung by Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen and Rosalie Hale

_Carlisle: I came upon her when I was walking home_

_She was beaten pretty badly and then left alone_

_I just couldn't leave her, she was sure to die_

_I brought her back here where I could treat her right_

_Ed-ward, we've got to turn her!_

_Ed-ward, there's just no other way!_

_You'll see, she'll be one of the family_

_Edward: I think you've lost your mind!_

_If she's recognized, then we'll be in a bind_

_Now I won't deny that she's a sight for sore eyes_

_But that don't mean I'm willing to make this sacrifice_

_I think you've lost your mind!_

_Esme: But Edward, just consider all the things that she could offer_

_You are far too lonely, this I know,_

_And son you never really know that your mate just might be her_

_Let's give it a shot and see where it goes!_

_Ed-ward, is she your soulmate?_

_Ed-ward, is she the one for you?_

_You'll see, she'll make you happy!_

_Edward: I think you've lost your mind!_

_She's the vainest person that you'll ever find!_

_Now I won't deny that she's a sight for sore eyes_

_But that don't mean I'm willing to make this sacrifice_

_I think you've lost your mind!_

Pulling the inert form of Rosalie to a kneeling position, Carlisle extends her arm and bites her hand, then gently lays her back down on the stage. She convulses violently, screaming in agony while the others look on fearfully. Finally, her seizure ends, she sits up, and pulls another hand mirror from beneath her skirts. Seeing the dazzling effects of her transformation, she turns to Edward and continues the song:

_Rosalie: I'm beautiful now, more than I ever was before_

_I bet there isn't a man who can resist my allure._

_I bat my eyes and they'll all worship me_

_C'mon Edward, tell me—don't you like what you see?_

_Ed-ward, you simply can't resist me!_

_Ed-ward, you simply know it's true!_

_Say it, I'm the one you want!_

_Edward: I think you've lost your mind!_

_You're just not the woman I could see as mine._

_Now I won't deny that you're a sight for sore eyes_

_But that don't mean I'm willing to make this sacrifice_

_I think you've lost your mind!_

_You're just not the woman I could see as mine._

_Now I won't deny that you're a sight for sore eyes_

_But that don't mean I'm willing to make this sacrifice_

_I think you've lost your mind._

_Rosalie, you know that we are not made for each other_

_Admit it._

_I think you've lost your mind!_

The scene freezes, leaving Carlisle and Esme standing on either side of Edward and Rosalie, each of the elders motioning for the youngsters to move together. Rosalie, her face frozen in an expression between beseeching and resentment, has her arms held out toward Edward. His own face is a mask of disgust and contempt, and his body is entirely angled away from her. The scene remains frozen for a few seconds as the last musical notes fade away, then movement erupts back on the stage.

Rosalie launches herself at Edward, her lips puckered in valiant expectation of his kiss. He easily side steps her, then stomps off stage. Rosalie picks herself up from where she has fallen, casts an embarrassed look at Carlisle and Esme (both of whom are studiously avoiding meeting her eyes while also fighting back smiles).

"I meant to do that," Rosalie says unconvincingly, then brushes herself off and sidles offstage after Edward with a plaintive call: "But I'm _pretty!_" The lights fade away, leaving the audience with one last glimpse of Carlisle's and Esme's exasperated expressions before darkening completely.


	6. Act 1, Scene 5: Emmett

1.5 Emmett

The scene on stage resembles a forest, complete with various types of foliage, from trees to bushes. Green lighting enhances the natural aspect of the background. The center of the stage is clear of trees and bushes, though there is a very large rock near the back of the cleared area. The scene is momentarily devoid of human presence.

A man enters from stage right, wearing hiking boots, a plaid button-down shirt, and khaki shorts. He has bandanas tied around both his neck and his head and he is wearing a bulging Scooby-Doo backpack. In one hand he holds a tree branch that he alternates using as a walking stick and as a baseball bat, hitting leaves, trees and bushes as he passes. He reaches the clearing at the center of the stage, looks around and mutters, "Ok, Emmett, time for elevensies!"

Emmett sits down on the rock, deposits his backpack nearby and starts rummaging inside, obviously looking for nourishment. From the pack, he pulls out a checked blanket, which he lays on the ground in front of him. On top of the blanket, he places a knife, fork and a series of food items, including a bag of trail mix, beef jerky, a loaf of bread, a chunk of cheese, three baked potatoes and a Christmas ham. Rubbing his hands together, Emmett looks forlornly at his meal, sighing, "It's not much, but it'll have to do. Although…I should probably save some for later." He picks up the trail mix and returns it to his bag.

As he spears his fork into the ham, a low growling is heard from stage left, before a large grizzly bear appears on all fours. The bear is sniffing the air, obviously drawn to the scene by the smell of Emmett's food. Emmett continues eating, oblivious to the danger approaching him. The bear reaches the edge of the blanket, sits back on his haunches and pulls out a napkin, which he ties around his neck. Emmett notices the bear's presence just as it reaches towards the chunk of cheese.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" He cries, dropping the fork and standing up. "You are not permitted to touch! There's not enough here for the two of us!"

He bows once to the bear, then crouches into a fighting position, a cross between karate and kick-boxing. He begins singing, all the while bouncing around the stage and circling the bear:

**"Man vs. Beast"**

To the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas

Sung by Emmett Cullen

_Emmett: Old Smokey has appeared before me_

_They tell us never to flee_

_'Cause running is just not for me_

_Show this punk who's more deadly_

_I'll open a world of hurt, there's a storm coming round_

_I'm too fast to be seen, I'm so gonna take you down_

_You'll wish that you were dead, 'cause right now I'm seeing red_

_Gonna roundhouse-kick your face, make sure you know your place_

_Old Smokey has appeared before me_

_They tell us never to flee_

_'Cause running is just not for me._

_Show this punk who's more deadly._

(Bear growl)

The bear, angered by Emmett's smack-talking, rises to his feet and bats his opponent once with his paw before running offstage again with the ham between his teeth. Emmett collapses, clutching his chest in agony.

"I'm dying!" He moans. "So many regrets! I didn't finish eating!" He loses consciousness.

Mere moments later, Rosalie skips onstage from stage left. She sniffs the air again, muttering under her breath, "The bear definitely came this way and it met…a pig?" She looks around, confused by the smell of ham, and spots Emmett.

"Oh!"

She leans over him, poking his shoulder with her finger. Then she catches sight of his face. "Oh!" she repeats. "Isn't he _cute_!"

Rosalie kneels next to Emmett's unconscious form, feeling for a pulse. A worried look covers her face, followed by a flash of inspiration. She grabs his arms and lifts him over her shoulder in a firefighter's hold. She sniffs the air again, and her eyes roll back into her head in ecstasy. "Oh, he smells _divine_!" Running around the stage with Emmett on her shoulders, she expresses her dilemma in song:

**"Repressing the Urge"**

To the tune of "Wouldn't it Be Nice" by The Beach Boys

Sung by Rosalie Hale

_Rosalie: Oh how much I want to sink my teeth in_

_How his blood just sets my thirst afire_

_But even though I feel this painful urging_

_It's not enough to match my heart's desire_

_Never have I seen a man so splendid_

_I can't bear to see his life be ended_

_And yet I want to try a taste of his blood_

_Just a teeny weenie little sip_

_But I cannot tell which urge is stronger:_

_The want to drink his blood or kiss his lips?_

_So now to Carlisle I will take him_

_And a vampire he will make him_

_And then he will be mine.._.

Carlisle, Esme and Edward, dressed as Davey Crocket-ish pioneers, enter the stage during this last line, chatting unconcernedly until Rosalie skids to a stop in front of them.

"Carlisle!" she gasps, placing Emmett gently on the floor.

Immediately grasping the situation, Carlisle leans down to check for a pulse in Emmett's wrist while the other three look on in worried silence. Rosalie is the first to break the silence:

"So…can I keep him?"

In response, Carlisle leans over Emmett to bite him and the stage is filled with Emmett's cry of pain. The scene ends as Edward comments to the group at large, "At least it's not another girl, or us guys would never see the bathroom again."


	7. Act 1, Scene 6: Alice and Jasper

Author's Note: So far we've only had one reference correctly identified...but then again, we've had only one guess. Don't be shy! If you recognize something, send us a note! Again, five correct identifications will earn you a preview of our next musical in the works.

1.6 Alice and Jasper

The lights come on onstage, revealing a cozy living room scene, complete with couch, armchair and a towering bookcase. The Cullens, including the newest member, are lounging around the stage. Carlisle and Esme are both sitting on the couch. Carlisle has a newspaper open on his lap, and Esme is perusing a magazine. Carlisle's arm is draped across Esme's shoulders. Emmett is the only one standing, boxing gloves on his hands as he punches at absolutely nothing, grunting in exertion. Rosalie is sitting in an armchair, a brush and hair gel in her hands. Edward is sitting at her feet, eyes closed as she brushes and styles his hair.

Suddenly, two people enter from stage right. One is a short, pixieish girl with cropped black hair wearing a sundress—Alice. The other—Jasper—is a rather tall man dressed in jeans and a hoodie, with a Confederate sackcoat over the outfit. Jasper is holding two satchels of luggage, one in each hand. Alice is holding a bag of Funyuns. She picks out a chip, chews it, then makes a face.

"Hey guys, I think these are stale." She announces out of the blue to the room at large. Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Edward look up in surprise at her voice, gasping when they see two complete strangers in their room.

Without looking up, Rosalie says, "It's not that big a deal. Just throw them out."

Carlisle rises from his seat. "Who are you and what are you doing in our house?"

Jasper sets the suitcases down and nods his head politely. "How y'all doing? I apologize for our intrusion." he says, a hint of Southern accent evident in his voice.

Alice cocks her head, an impish smile on her face. "You should really move your extra key. Under the doormat is _so_ last year." She eats another Funyun, grimacing again. "We're like you. You know, fangs and all that jazz. And we're here to stay, of course."

The other Cullens stand up and begin singing in unison.

**"Sudden Appearance"**

To the tune of "867-5309 (Jenny)" by Tommy Tutone

Sung by Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale and Jasper Hale

_Two new vampires; where did they come from?_

_We've never met them, why are they here now?_

_How'd you find us in the middle of nowhere?_

_We never thought that we'd be found at all_

_We are completely freaked out_

_Someone please explain, quick!_

_Why they are standing here_

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared_

_Esme & Rosalie: Oh my Lord, they just appeared_

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared_

_Edward & Emmett: Holy crap they just appeared..._

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared_

_Esme & Rosalie: Oh my Lord, they just appeared_

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared_

_Edward & Emmett: Holy crap they just appeared..._

_*Frantic, chaotic, overlapping*_

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared!_

_Esme & Rosalie: Oh my Lord, they just appeared!_

_Carlisle: Oh my word, they just appeared!_

_Edward & Emmett: Holy crap they just -_

Jasper raises his hand and says "Peace."

He lowers his arms and as he does so, everyone else on the stage visibly relaxes, slumping and getting goofy, happy expressions on their faces. Emmett and Edward lean so that they are supporting each other, shoulder against shoulder and faces scrunched close together. They smile giddily at each other.

"I love you Eddie."

"I love you, too, Emmie."

Jasper pulls the hood of his sweatshirt over his head and waves his hand over the rooms, muttering, "At ease." Everyone straightens once again. As they are coming to, he mumbles under his breath, as if for his own personal enjoyment, "These are not the droids you are looking for."

Carlisle crosses his arms and addresses the two newcomers. "Explain. Please."

Alice places her hands on her hips. "To make a long story short, I'm Alice, and this is Jasper. We're both vampires and we've come to join you. Don't worry, we've already moved all our stuff into our rooms and everything."

"But, how—," Esme starts.

"Oh I'm psychic and he's an empath." She pauses, then sighs. "You really want to hear the whole story, don't you?"

They all nod. Jasper and Alice start to sing, making grand gestures with their arms like Las Vegas showgirls and dancing a two-step while getting into the music.

**"We Are Here"**

To the tune of "Be Our Guest" by Disney

Sung by the The Cullens

_We are here_

_We are here and we ask you not to fear_

_Though we know it may seem frightening_

_And just a tad bit queer_

_Vampires,_

_That we are_

_Yet with you it's not bizarre_

_You're a family, that we can see_

_Though we find it hard to believe_

_How you live_

_How you eat_

_After all, it's quite a feat_

_And a future here with you we would revere!_

_You're the closest coven that there's ever been_

_That's why we're here, why we're here,_

_We are here_

_Jasper: Where's our room?_

_Show the way_

_For we know you'll let us stay_

_Alice here will persevere_

_Until we fin'lly have our way_

_You're surprised_

_We're prepared_

_To just show how much we've cared_

_No more wandering or moving_

_Our sincerity we're proving_

_We're on the up_

_This I swear_

_With you our histories we'll share_

_And the truth behind the tale will be revealed!_

_In this I will not lie_

_For I will tell you why_

_We both are here_

_Alice: I see all_

_And this part I do recall_

_Both: We are here_

_We are here_

_We are here!_

As the music slows, Alice and Jasper slow their dancing as well, simply swaying. Edward, Rosalie and Esme take out lighters and click them on, raising them above their heads.

_Alice: He was in the Army_

_And was walking when he did see_

_Three young women strolling long before the dawn_

_Oh, he didn't recognize the danger_

_'Til after his humanity was gone_

_Though he became a Cold One_

_His special skill was begun_

_Of empathy, of feelings he controls_

_He feels the pain of every prey he chases_

_Yet finally I found him_

_Now his life is not quite so grim_

_Jasper: There she was_

_There she was_

_And her presence made me pause_

_She'd been waiting, ne'er abating_

_In intensity or cause_

_Up she walked_

_Looked at me_

_With a smile chock full of glee_

_In the middle of the diner_

_Said how sure she was I'd find her_

_I was late_

_So she said_

_Through the future, though, she read_

_That we'd meet and fall in love despite our flaws_

_Her past's a mystery_

_But with our history_

_Here we are!_

_Alice: Here we are!_

_Jasper: Here we are!_

_Alice: Here we are!_

_Both: Here we are, here we are_

_For this life we've traveled far_

_Alice: I have seen you in my visions and can tell_

_We're up to par_

_We'll fit well_

_With great ease_

_For we only aim to please_

_All together we're a family_

_The Cullens: And we'll finally be complete_

_For at last_

_We all come_

_All of us to become one_

_The family of the Cullens now we are_

_We all vow together_

_That this life we'll weather_

_As we are!_

_Here we are!_

_Here we are!_

_Yes, here we are!_

During this last verse, the Cullen family, now complete, has lined up next to each other, arms over each others' shoulders as they dance the can-can. The Cullen family arrange themselves into the shape of a 'C', sliding onto their knees with their arms outstretched. They all harmonize the last note, faces turning red and then purplish as they hold it out for an impossibly long time. When the note is finally cut off, all the members of the Cullen family collapse onto their stomachs or backs, gasping for air as the lights dim and the curtains close.

End Act 1.


	8. Act 2, Scene 1: Twilight

Author's Note: And now, ladies and gentlemen...into the second act!

2.1 Twilight

The curtain opens for the second act, revealing the dreary little Podunk town of Forks, Washington. The Forks Folks- Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Angela Webber, Eric Yorkie, Ben Cheney, Tyler Crowley and Charlie Swann—meander around the wooden set buildings, waving and murmuring amicably to one another. The Cullen family enters from stage right, all dressed in black that complements their oh-so-deathly-pale complexions dazzlingly. As one, the Forks Folks take a collective step backward, even as Jessica and Angela start tittering and giggling at the sight of Edward, Carlisle, and Emmett, and Mike, Eric, and Tyler start slicking back their hair. The only one who seems unmoved by their appearance is Charlie, who steps forward to shake Carlisle's hand.

"Hello, my name is Charlie, and I'm the sheriff here. Welcome to Forks," he says cheerfully, sticking his chest out slightly to show off his sheriff's badge.

"Thank you very much," Carlisle responds, flashing a smile that sends Jessica swooning into Angela. Edward chuckles to himself for no apparent reason, causing Emmett to elbow him and ask, "What? What did she think?" Edward merely waves him off.

"I'm Carlisle Cullen, and this is my family." Carlisle motions for the Cullens to step around him. "This is my wife, Esme," he puts his arm around her, and Jessica and Angela sigh in disappointment. Esme smiles kindly at them, but with a slight air of smugness.

"And these are our children. This is my eldest son, Emmett, the strong one." Emmett flexes impressively, then grins at Jessica's appreciative gasp. "And this is Edward, the handsome heartthrob." Edward's lip twitches, but he shows no other reaction to his introduction.

"Alice, my cute and quirky daughter." Alice gives a little pirouette, stoically avoiding looking at Tyler, who is raising his eyebrows suggestively in attempted flirtation.

"And these are our foster children. Rosalie Hale, the beautiful one—" Rosalie primps and poses for the Forks' boys' enjoyment—"and her twin brother Jasper, the sensitive one." He gestures to the last Cullen, who has a look of intense suffering on his face. Carlisle leans close to Charlie, putting his hand his mouth as if telling a secret. "Don't be alarmed by Jasper's expression of pain. Esme won't let him get a puppy."

The Forks Folks collectively "aww" in empathy.

"Welcome to all of you," Charlie says again. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, we need to enroll the kids into school, so maybe you can…" Carlisle trails off as he and Esme draw Charlie to one side of the stage, miming a conversation. Meanwhile, the rest of the Cullens draw into a tightly closed circle, not allowing any of the young Forks Folks inside. After fruitless attempts to catch Rosalie's and Alice's eyes, Eric, Mike, Ben, and Tyler form a circle of their own at the other side of the stage, talking amongst themselves. Angela, too, gives up fairly easily after a couple attempts, but Jessica continues to try to break into the Cullen circle, until Rosalie roughly shoves her away. Perturbed, Jessica trudges around the outskirts, examining the group for a sign of a weakness, and fails to notice the entrance of a dark-haired girl until she gently bumps into her, startling them both. It was little more than a nudge, but that doesn't stop the newcomer from falling to the ground in a clumsy heap.

Apologizing, Jessica helps the girl to her feet, and introduces herself.

"I'm Bella Swann, Charlie's daughter. I've come from sunny Arizona, though you couldn't tell, since my face is paler than eggshells."

The remaining Forks Folks gather around and make short time of introducing themselves, too. The boys lose no time in resuming their flirtatious stances, but Bella seems unaware. She seems uninterested in the Forks Folks altogether, instead pointing out the still close-knit circle of Cullens.

"Who are _they_?"

Jessica, looking thrilled to share such juicy gossip, leans forward conspiratorially. "Well, we'll tell you…" The Forks Folks—including Charlie, who has just joined the cluster—spread out along the stage with the Cullens in the background and Bella alone in front, and begin a surprisingly enthusiastic line dance as they sing and snap to the beat:

**"The Cullen Family"**

To the tune of "The Addams Family" by Vic Mizzy

Sung by: The Fork Folks

_They're relatively new here_

_And since we are so few here_

_We must admit they are queer_

_The Cullen family_

_They're technically not real kin_

_Yet fam'ly they believe in_

_The ties are all strong within_

_The Cullen family_

_Mike: (Weird)_

_Jessica: (Feared)_

_Charlie: (Revered)_

_They all are very fair_

_And though we should not care_

_We caution you—beware!_

_The Cullen family_

The Forks Folks end their song-and-dance number by sliding to their knees at Bella's feet, waving jazz hands while she applauds appreciatively. They are all startled to their feet by the sound of a ringing school bell, sending them scrambling around the stage. The Cullens finally break from their circle, spreading in different directions and joining with the crowd. The adults—Charlie, Esme, and Carlisle—exit the stage while the young folks mill about as though walking through a school corridor. One or two students leave the stage every couple of seconds, until the only two people left are Edward and Bella, who looks completely lost and pathetic. She lights up when she sees Edward. Upon closer look at his black attire, he is actually dressed as a Pilgrim, with a high collar and buckled shoes.

"Hello, maybe you can help me. I'm looking for…" she rambles on and on, unaware that Edward has stopped listening to her. Instead, he is looking at her like he's starving and she is a prime steak…which she is. With a tortured look on his face, Edward mutters rudely, "No," and holds his breath while slinking off to the edge of the stage. He stands there with his arms crossed, pouting, while Bella looks after him in confused adoration. She turns around to peruse a map and while her back is turned, Edward gazes at her with a look both hungry and forlorn and starts to sing:

**"Repressing the Urge" Reprise**

To the tune of "Wouldn't it be Nice" by The Beach Boys

Sung by: Edward Cullen

_Edward: Oh how much I want to sink my teeth in_

_How her blood just sets my thirst afire_

_But even though I feel this painful urging_

_It's not enough to match my heart's desire_

_Never have I seen a girl so splendid_

_I can't bear to see her life be ended_

_And yet I want to try a taste of her blood_

_Just a teeny weeny little sip_

_But I cannot tell which urge is stronger:_

_The want to drink her blood or kiss her lips?_

_I will simply get to know her_

_So my feelings I can show her_

_And I will make her mine..._

Seeming to make up his mind, Edward returns to Bella and taps her on the shoulder, engaging her in a brief yet cryptic conversation.

"Just so you know, you shouldn't be friends with me."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Just…because. I'm dangerous, that's all you need to know." And on that poignant note, he seems on the verge of leaving once again when a Hot Wheels car—a white minivan—rolls on stage, heading straight for Bella. Edward catches sight of it, yells, "Look out!," and shoves her out of the way, stepping on the car as it passes by. Bella looks at him in amazement from where she's fallen.

"How did you get there so fast? That was amazing! I could have tripped on that and died! You just saved my life!"

"Oh, it was nothing. I didn't do anything," Edward claims faux-modestly, but he seems to be enjoying Bella's admiration. They gaze at one another adoringly for a few moments—clearly in the throes of a deep and lasting love—when the mob of Forks Folks (minus Charlie) rushes on stage en masse.

"We're going to La Push, Bella, and you should come!" Mike calls, and without waiting for her response, the boys pick her up and carry her to the back of the stage, leaving Edward all by his lonesome. He trudges off forlornly, clearly lovesick, and as he leaves, the town setting is dragged offstage to be replaced by a couple scrubby trees and a circle of logs. The boys drop Bella unceremoniously on the ground as the group arranges themselves in a ring around a "campfire." She scrambles into place on a log, managing to avoid the musical chairs game of Eric, Tyler, and Mike vying for a seat next to her.

No sooner have they settled into place than another group appears from stage right. This second group is smaller than the first, comprised of only four teenage boys with darker skin and long black hair. Jacob Black, Sam Uley, Embry Caíl, and Quil Ateara make their way into the campfire ring—apparently, the Forks Folks are more inclusive than the Cullens. Without ceremony, Jacob plops onto the log next to Bella.

"Hey Bella, remember me? Jacob Black? Your dad and mine are old pals. We used to make mud pies together and run naked through the sprinklers. Want to be my friend?" He flashes her a winning smile. Meanwhile, the rest of the Forks Folks and Jacob's friends take turns disappearing off stage, apparently to look at tide pools or catch some gnarly waves, dude.

"Sure, Jacob. I could use a good friend. I mean, it's not like I've had people throwing themselves at me since I got here or anything. In fact, everyone's been downright rude…well, except for Edward Cullen."

"Really? Cullen?" Jacob's tone of interest catches Bella's attention, and she scooches closer to him, batting her eyes and smiling garishly.

"Yeah, Edward Cullen. What can you tell me about him?"

"Well, I don't know that much about the Cullens or Edward, except…" he leaps up from the log and begins to dance around the nonexistent campfire, singing:

**"He is a Vampire"**

To the tune of "Listen to the Music" by the Doobie Brothers

Sung by Jacob Black

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Or so they say_

_He's a monstrous fable, at least that's what I'm told_

_In legends of our tribe elders of old, and so cold… oh he'll suck your life away_

_An ancient plague of evil, hunters of mankind_

_I heard that some can even read your mind_

_Immortal… you know, it's a kind of scary thing_

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Oh oh oh, he is a vampire_

_Or so they say_

Bella maintains a slightly curious, thoughtful-yet-vacant expression throughout Jacob's song. The song trails off quietly, and he settles down next to her again with an expectant look on his face. Apparently, her mild, even uninterested reaction is not what he expected, because he appears slightly disappointed. Shrugging it off, he pulls out a bone and starts gnawing on it—unnoticed by his log companion—and they sit in comparative silence for a few more minutes before the Forks Folks and Jacob's friends return in a frenzy, cleaning up the campfire logs and rolling them offstage. Jacob jumps up to help, but Bella doesn't move except to stand up when Jessica pushes her off her log to clear it. By the time the crowd has died down, Bella is left alone on stage to reflect on the events of the past scene.


	9. Act 2, Scene 2: Midnight Sun

2.2 Midnight Sun

Bella is left standing on the stage alone immediately following Jacob's astonishing declaration. Edward appears at stage left wearing bellbottoms, a flowy white shirt and flowered vest, with a piece of cloth tied around his head à la hippie fashion. Seeing Bella, he attempts to exit silently the same way he entered. Before he disappears from sight, Bella addresses him without turning around, "I know what you are."

Edward mutters, "Damn it," before moving to stand behind her in the middle of the stage.

Bella explains her statement, "You never come out in the daylight. You smell sweet all the time, like Pixie Stix. You're super fast. I'm not stupid. There is only one thing you could be."

"Say it. I dare you."

"A fairy."

"Ye—wait, what?"

Bella turns to face Edward for the first time. "You're a fairy. Aren't you?"

Edward looks at her as though she is crazy. "Of course not! Did you listen to anything Jacob said during his song?"

"Oh, was it something important?"

Edward slaps his forehead in frustration. "I'm a vampire! You know." He brings his hands up and makes fangs at his mouth with his index fingers.

Bella gasps. "But you've never turned into a bat! And you have a reflection—I've seen it!"

He laughs humorlessly, "Good thing, too. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make my hair look this naturally tousled even _with_ a mirror?"

Bella shakes her head bemusedly when Edward asks, "Are you scared?"

"Nah. In fact, my English teacher might make a good meal, if you catch my drif—"

"We only drink animal blood."

"Oh." Bella looks slightly disappointed. "So then, do _any_ of the rules about vampires still apply, or have you changed them all?"

Edward considers for a moment before replying, "Pretty much. I mean, we still can't go into the sun, but for a completely different reason. We don't die."

"Can I see?"

As if on cue, a spotlight centers on the stage, slightly to Edward's left. He steps into it and two tiny cherubs appear above him, throwing glitter onto his head. Bella gasps again.

"You're beautiful!"

Edward reaches out his hand and pulls her into the spotlight with him. "No. _You're_ beautiful. Not as beautiful as Rosalie, obviously, or as cute as Alice, but still. You're pretty enough to make up for your bland personality, anyway—at least to me."

"Oh Edward, you say the most wonderful things!"

Edward tilts her face up to his, but instead of kissing her as she expects, he begins singing, nearly blowing her off her feet with the force of his singing voice. Shortly after beginning the song, he starts dancing ballet around the stage, complete with pirouettes. Bella attempts to mimic him, but trips and falls multiple times as she is so uncoordinated.

**"The Lion and the Lamb"**

To the tune of "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor

Sung by Edward Cullen and Bella Swan

_Edward: Bella Swan, I've found you at last_

_After decades of searching_

_I don't want you to be scared of my past_

_Even though I'm the best predator_

_My voice, my face, and even my smell_

_I use it all to seduce you_

_Not part of the plan, but for you I fell_

_I'm not used to feeling so human_

_And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_

_Even though all the odds are stacked against us_

_What a masochistic lion; such a suicidal lamb_

_You are now the most important thing in my life_

_I am stunned, taken aback_

_Your scent is so addicting_

_It's exactly like my own brand of crack_

_Yet from me you have little to fear_

_Bella: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_

_Even though all the odds are stacked against us_

_What a masochistic lion; such a suicidal lamb_

_You are now the most important thing in my life_

_I can't believe that you are real_

_So beautiful and alluring_

_I'm not worthy of the love that you feel_

_You're the angel I've seen in my dreams_

_Both: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb_

_Even though all the odds are stacked against us_

_What a masochistic lion; such a suicidal lamb_

_You are now the most important thing in my life_

As the song ends, Edward picks up Bella in a classic ballet lift, expecting her to pose; instead, she flops like a fish and is nearly dropped. Bella looks up at Edward with a puppy-dog expression on her face. "So does this mean we're going steady?"

Edward smiles and sets her down. "I guess so."

"So I can call you?"

"Um, yeah."

"And text you?"

"Sure."

"And we'll hold hands in between classes?"

"Of course?"

"And I can post it on Facebook so we're official?"

"Why not?"

"And you'll never leave me?"

"Well, I already watch you sleep and follow you everywhere, so…"

Bella swoons. "Really? How romantic! So can I meet your family?"

Edward hesitates slightly, then shrugs. "Why not? We'll make sure to eat before you come over, so it shouldn't be too dangerous unless you get an open wound or something." He picks her up again and runs offstage.

On the opposite side, a table is pushed onstage, followed by a series of dining room chairs. In the middle of the table are wine glasses and several bottles holding what looks like red wine, with labels reading 'Female Bear', 'Rabbit Pair', and 'AB Negative'.

The Cullens—minus Edward—enter the stage and stand behind the chairs, obviously waiting impatiently for the guest of honor to arrive. They are all dressed in coordinating outfits of white. Edward comes back onstage still carrying Bella, but dressed in different clothes from before. Now he is dressed as a Victorian hero in breeches, a long white coat and matching top hat. Bella is holding a cane across her lap. She is the only one with any color, wearing a dark red dress. He places Bella gingerly on her feet, reclaims his cane and performs introductions.

"Cullen family, this is Bella. Cullens, roll call!"

"Carlisle Cullen."

"Esme Cullen."

"Emmett Cullen"

"Alice Cullen."

Everyone looks expectantly at Jasper and Rosalie, who remain silent. Edward clears his throat with a significant look. Jasper shrugs. "What? Technically, we're not Cullens. We're Hales." Rosalie smirks.

Carlisle smiles at Bella and does the honors. "Jasper and Rosalie Hale. Different names, same family. We're the Cullen family." A short segment of the Addams family theme song plays at these words.

Bella smiles self-consciously, looking distinctly out of place as the only one in red among a series of white outfits. Emmett leans over and whispers conspiratorially, "On Wednesdays we wear pink. Just so you know."

Esme shushes him and steps forward, saying reassuringly. "You have nothing to fear from us. And you know why?"

The Cullens turn towards the audience and begin singing in unison while simultaneously dancing the grapevine.

**"The Vampires Who Don't Drink Human Blood"**

To the tune of "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" by VeggieTales

Sung by The Cullens

_The Cullens: We are the vampires who don't drink human blood_

_We're vegetarians, our family joke!_

_If you ask us to drink human blood,_

_We'll assure you: we don't drink human blood._

_Carlisle: You are very welcome, Bella, we're so glad you came to see us_

_Please come make yourself at home here in the place where we all stay_

_Esme: You have answered all our prayers now that Edward's finally found you_

_Both: And we're happy that we have you here today!_

_The Cullens: We are the vampires who don't drink human blood_

_We're vegetarians, our family joke!_

_If you ask us to drink human blood,_

_We'll assure you: we don't drink human blood._

_Alice: We'll be best friends, I just know it, wow, your smell is really yummy_

_Not sure why I didn't notice when I see you everyday._

_Jasper: You have nothing much to fear because I promise I won't eat you_

_Both: And we're happy that we have you here today!_

_The Cullens: We are the vampires who don't drink human blood_

_We're vegetarians, our family joke!_

_If you ask us to drink human blood,_

_We'll assure you: we don't drink human blood._

_Emmett: I am not sure why he likes you but since Edward is my brother_

_So as long as he is happy I am not one to complain._

_Rosalie: I think Edward's made an error and I hate you with a passion_

_Emmett: And we're happy that we have you here today!_

During the musical interlude, the grapevine of Cullens break apart as individual members help themselves to glasses of blood and begin making family small-talk. Edward pulls Bella aside, whispering, "Come on, I'll show you my room." He brings her to the other side of the stage, scattering rose petals and lighting candles as he leads her. The other Cullens slowly file offstage, leaving the two alone. He continues the song in a slower tempo to increase the intimacy of the moment.

_Edward: I'm so relieved to tell you all the secrets of my family_

_I expected when you learned the truth you'd scream and run away._

_But now that you know everything, you make me feel so...happy._

Alice and Jasper jump back onstage to join Edward in singing:

_Edward, Jasper and Alice: And we're happy that we have you here today!_

The three have a big finish with a three-part harmony in which they all slide forward on their knees before Bella, their arms outstretched and waving wildly. Bella claps madly as they get up from their positions on the floor.

"Wow! You must practice a lot!"

Alice shrugs. "Well, we've been around awhile, so we picked a few things up."

Jasper addresses Edward. "Sorry for butting in on your big solo and everything, bro, but we were wondering if you wanted to join us for a baseball game."

"Baseball? But it's not storming out."

Alice holds up three fingers and begins a countdown, "Three…two…one," On cue, a loud crash of thunder resounds. Edward and Jasper slap hands in a high-five, looks of excitement on their faces. The four rush offstage. The stage fades to black momentarily. When it is illuminated again, the setting onstage has changed to a clearing with trees around the edge. A baseball diamond is drawn in chalk on the floor, complete with bases.

The Cullen family and Bella reenter, all dressed in baseball uniforms that have the Cullen crest on it, and text reading _The Vampire Bats_. Jasper is carrying a bat bag, Esme carries umpire equipment and Bella is carrying a golf bag. They all deposit their loads in the middle of the stage; Rosalie looks inquiringly at the golf bag, and Bella rushes to explain. "I don't know a whole lot about sports, but I figured maybe we could use something in here. They're Charlie's."

She is ignored. Alice says, "Ok, I've seen the future, so I know which teams will make for the best game. Edward, Carlisle and I will take the field, and Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie will bat. Esme is umpire, of course, and Bella…why don't you just sit out and watch? Every vision where you play ends in disaster since you kinda suck."

The named teams split up, but before a single pitch can be thrown, Alice gasps and points offstage. "Wait!" she calls, "We've got company!"

That is the only notice they are given as three more vampires leap onstage, two men and one woman. The female has flaming red hair styled impeccably in waves, but covered with leaves. One of the men is olive-toned with cropped dark hair, while the other has light brown hair and nondescript features.

The darker male is the first to speak. "Hey, how's it going? I'm Laurent, this is Victoria and James. Could you use some more players?"

Victoria speaks up. "Yeah, this hick town has nothing in the form of entertainment. We'd kill for some fun!"

Bella gasps at the choice of words, and the three new vampires turn towards her. James sniffs the air, then slowly smiles, his grin becoming predatory.

"Human," he mutters to Victoria. "Now this'll be _really _fun."

The Cullens crouch into defensive positions, all except for Rosalie, who is unconcernedly examining her nails. The Bad Vamps mimic their actions, and Laurent breaks into song.

**"Bad Vamps"**

To the tune of "Colors of the Wind" by Disney

Sung by The Bad Vamps

_Laurent: We were passing on the outskirts of your small town_

_When we heard you playing baseball_

_And we thought we'd join along_

_Your clan against us three_

_But suddenly we see_

_That something in this clearing could be wrong_

_Could be wrong_

_We see you brought a person we can snack on_

_And yet you all protect her as your own_

_But I can smell from here that she's enticing_

_Her scent runs through my nostrils like cologne_

_James: So now our competition becomes deadly_

_No longer are we merely playing ball_

_'Cause now that I have seen her I must eat her_

_In draining her of blood I'll have it all_

The Cullens rush off the stage, followed by Laurent after a moment's hesitation, as James and Victoria continue singing and waltzing with each other around the stage.

_James: Oh you can try to run from me but you cannot hide_

_I'll kill all those who try to stand between_

_And with my love and mate right here beside me_

_I will be the greatest tracker you have seen_

_I will be the greatest tracker you have seen_

The two stop waltzing and split up to go to opposite ends of the stage, though they keep twirling in time to the music. On Victoria's side is a desk and chair, with a computer on top. While singing the next verse, she sits down and types on the computer, peering at the screen intently. On James' side of the stage is set up a half-circle of floor-length mirrors, with him standing in the very middle.

_Victoria: We'll separate and we will both outsmart them_

_I'll check the records kept in this girl's school_

_And meanwhile James will go after her family_

_He'll make her come to him, the little fool_

_James: So now she thinks that I have found her mother_

_And she will rush right to me to be slain_

_But there are only mirrors all around me_

_And the camera that I filched to entertain_

_Victoria and James: How dumb can this little girl be?_

_Well we've seen her grades and we guarantee_

_James: That she can try to run from me but she cannot hide_

_I'll murder those who try to stand between_

_For never have I failed to kill a victim_

_For I am the greatest tracker you have seen_

_In this hunt I will succeed and I'll see this Bella bleed_

_To reward the greatest tracker you have seen._

James ends the song on a carrying note, trilling his voice from high to low. While he is still holding his note, Bella rushes onstage and waits for him to finish. By the time he actually does, she is tapping her foot impatiently and checking her watch.

"Where's my mother?" she demands when he turns to face her.

James yawns. "Not here. Honestly, you're so gullible. I can't believe you fell for it!"

Edward walks onto the stage dressed like a 1920s gangster in a pinstripe suit, shiny black shoes and Fedora hat. "Not so unbelievable, actually."

James leaps forward and grabs Bella, holding her to his chest with one arm around her neck. "Finally you arrive, Eddie! Now we can find out who is stronger!"

"Yes. We can."

The two men crouch down and grasp right hands. They begin to arm wrestle as Bella looks on anxiously, pacing back and forth behind them. Their battle continues for several moments with neither one gaining the upper hand. Finally, with a triumphant grunt, Edward strains and manages to push James' arm down. Bella squeals in delight and runs to Edward, throwing her arms around his neck. James rubs his arm, a disbelieving look on his face, before it screws up in a pout.

"It's not fair!" he complains, stamping his foot childishly, "You cheated!"

With a growl at having his integrity questioned, Edward crouches and then pounces at James. In a whirl of fists and snarls, the two tumble offstage. Bella is left standing alone, staring after them. Edward returns a moment later, throwing a lit match over his shoulder nonchalantly.

"No worries, babe. It's all over." Edward scoops up Bella in his arms and runs offstage with her.

All-but-forgotten on the other side of the stage, Victoria finally stands up from the computer chair and points towards where Edward and Bella have just disappeared.

"I'll get you for this, Edward! And your little human too!"

She clenches her fists in front of her chest, screams "James!" in a voice filled with agony and falls to her knees Darth Vader-style.

End scene.


	10. Act 2, Scene 3: New Moon

2.3 New Moon

When the lights come up again, the setting has once again changed back to the Cullen living room. In addition to the standard furniture, streamers are also draped artfully around the stage. A card table is set up in the middle, with a triple-tiered cake on top. The purple icing on the cake reads, "Happy B-Day, Isabella!", though the 'Isa' had been crossed out in red icing. The Cullen family, minus Edward, are waiting by the table expectantly, dressed in their finest attire. Alice and Esme are carrying presents. Emmett checks his watch then sighs impatiently.

Edward enters from stage right, carrying Bella in his arms. Edward is dressed in a coat and tails, and Bella in a fluffy pink dress and shoes that look like Cinderella's glass slippers. When they enter, everyone cries "Surprise! Happy Birthday!"

Bella's hands fly to her cheeks. "Oh you shouldn't have!" She coos.

Edward gingerly places her on her feet. As soon as he lets her go, she squeals in pain. "Ow! I cut myself!"

A collective gasp from all of the vampires present. Rosalie breathes in deeply, her eyes rolling in ecstasy. Carlisle, Alice and Esme pull out gas masks and put them on. Jasper digs in his pocket and pulls out a band-aid. He steps forward to hand it to Bella, but Edward throws out his hands, pushing Bella into the table with the cake on it. The table collapses under her weight, uprighting the cake on top of her and covering her with frosting.

Edward scoops her up again. "I'll save you, Bella!" he cries and rushes offstage, leaving everyone else to stare after them in confusion.

The lights dim momentarily and when they resume, the stage is devoid of people. The forest scene has reappeared. Edward and Bella reenter. Bella is still in the same, cake-covered clothes, but Edward's outfit has been changed. Rather than the coat and tails, he is now dressed in a white bedazzled jumpsuit with a golden cape. His hair is greased and coiffed on his head in a style reminiscent of Elvis. Flies buzz around Bella's head, attracted by the sweet smell of the frosting.

Edward dumps Bella on the forest floor, then steps back and turns away from her.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

Bella stands. "It's ok. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash. Or I can dry clean it."

"No. Not about the dress. It's us. It's not working."

Bella bursts into tears. "What? But _why_?"

"You're accident-prone. A complete klutz, actually. And I'm such a control freak that keeping you from harm is just stressing me out. I think I'm making it worse. You're just too hard to protect."

Bella leans and grabs his shirt with both hands. "But I can change! I promise!"

Edward shakes his head sadly. "It's for your own good."

He walks to stage right, leaving her standing in place. She calls after him plaintively, "But you know I can't walk by myself!"

Edward ignores her as he addresses the audience and begins singing, gyrating his hips to the music. As Edward sings the first verse on his side of the stage, Bella attempts to walk away on her side. She places one foot in front of the other, then falls flat on her face in a heap.

**"Protecting Bella"**

To the tune of "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley

Sung by Edward Cullen

_I don't know what I was thinking, don't even wanna try_

_I know to keep her safe I gotta say goodbye_

_It won't take long for her to forget_

_Though this choice I may soon regret_

_I'm gonna dump her and then I will jet so that Bella won't die_

_I'm saving Bella, yeah_

On the other side of the stage, Bella pulls a box of matches from her pocket. She lights one and holds it in front of her face, grinning wildly and giggling. When the flame gets too close to her fingers, she drops it with a squeal and lights another. In no time she is surrounded by used matches.

_Ever since we met I've been a danger to her_

_Me and my whole family_

_But now we'll leave her here and things will be as they were_

_I will tour the world and she'll at last be free!_

_It was so hard to me to leave, and sever our last tie,_

_But I know to keep her safe I had to say goodbye_

_It won't take long for her to forget_

_Though this choice I may soon regret_

_Oh yeah I dumped her hard and then I jet so that Bella won't die_

_I'm saving Bella, yeah_

The members of the Wolf Pack enter Bella's side of the stage and circle her threateningly. She hugs one of them—obviously Jacob, as his tail wags happily—and pulls out a small rubber ball. She throws it offstage, and the wolves flock after it. She continues playing 'Fetch' with the giant wolves as Edward continues singing.

_I'll protect her if it's the last thing I do_

_Though stayin' away'd surely kill me too_

_Save her save her_

_Save her save her_

_Save her save her_

_She may not agree, she may pine for me_

_I'll ignore her plea 'cause I see what's best for her!_

_It was so hard to me to leave, and sever our last tie,_

_But I know to keep her safe I had to say goodbye_

_It won't take long for her to forget_

_Though this choice I may soon regret_

_Oh yeah I dumped her hard and then I jet so that Bella won't die_

_I'm saving Bella, yeah_

After singing the last verse, Edward looks over at Bella's side of the stage for the first time. She readies herself at the very edge of the stage and raises her hands as if she is on a diving board. A deep breath, and then she leaps feet-first off of the stage. Edward stretches his hands out towards where she was just standing, shouting in horror: "No!"

He drops to his knees in an action similar to Victoria's from the previous scene. In a fit of anguish, he rips at his shirt, revealing skin underneath. A spotlight appears to the left of him. He stares at it, then pulls out a pencil and piece of paper and writes, saying the words aloud at he does so.

"I can't take it anymore. I just want it all to be over. Without Bella left to protect, I'm sure that I will be so bored. Besides, I always thought dying like Romeo would be pretty cool—he is famous after all. Maybe someday my death will be immortalized into a story too."

He folds the paper into the shape of an airplane and then sends it flying over the stage, where it is caught by Alice. Standing beside her is Bella, dripping wet. Alice reads the note and gasps. She points towards Edward, who is balanced at the edge of the spotlight. He steps into the light and the little cherubs appear above his head again. Bella launches herself at him, scrubbing at his skin as though she could make the glitter disappear.

She succeeds in pulling him out of the spotlight, but as she does so, cloaked figures appear at all corners of the stage. All but two of their faces are covered. The two whose features can be seen are small and delicate, one male and one female—Alec and Jane. The cloaked figures seize Edward, Bella and Alice. Three other figures enter from stage right, covered in bright red cloaks as well—Aro, Caius, and Marcus.

Aro claps his hands together at the sight of the three prisoners. "Oh look! People! How lovely to see you! Why, it's Edward! And dear Alice! Have you come to join our…collection?"

They shake their heads in the negative. Aro catches sight of Bella. "And who might this be? The human, hmmm? I've heard of you." He holds out his hand. "May I?"

Bella holds out her hand as if to shake his, but he just barely touches her hand.

"How interesting!" Aro giggles. "Either you truly are immune to mind-reading powers, or you are simply thinking nothing at all!"

"Or both." Alec mutters, and Jane smirks.

Aro muses. "But we really must do something about you." He begins pacing across the front of the stage. Caius trails him, followed by Marcus. They come to a stop in the middle of the stage and begin singing about their dilemma.

**"'Noble Cause'"**

To the tune of "Dani California" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sung by The Volturi

_Caius: You have traveled here to see our lovely city_

_But you haven't acted right which really is a pity_

_None of us see and we do not agree_

_Why you wanna be killed in breaking our first decree_

_You almost showed yourself in broad daylight in the square_

_You came real close to almost saying your final prayer_

_Marcus: We should kill you yet we'll let you slip through_

_Only 'cause we find that your family we are drawn to_

_You have power, similar to ours_

_Yet this little human you don't want to devour_

_Just what about her is so special, I'd like to know_

_She is not quid pro quo_

_All: Come and join our noble cause_

_To enforce vampire laws_

_You should join with us because_

_We will minimize your flaws_

_Aro: You're confusing and so darn amusing_

_Never have I seen our Jane so mad at losing_

_I would like to study more about you_

_See just what it is that makes you so immune_

_But still I find that it's a danger to have you know_

_About this world down below_

_All: Come and join our noble cause_

_To enforce vampire laws_

_You should join with us because_

_We will minimize your flaws_

_Jane and Alec: So we will give you just one year_

_To bite and turn Miss Bella here_

_She must become a part of us_

_Or we'll have things to discuss_

_Aro: You will see us when we check your progress_

_And her new condition we hope that we can assess_

_And I do hope you will change your answer_

_Many situations your powers could be used for_

_You would be welcomed here with wide open arms by all_

_Would you please answer the call? Now don't stall!_

_All: Come and join our noble cause_

_To enforce vampire laws_

_You should join with us because_

_We will minimize your flaws_

_All: Come and join our noble cause_

_To enforce vampire laws_

_You should join with us because_

_We will minimize your flaws_

The song ends with Aro, Caius and Marcus at the front of the stage doing the Charleston. Alice and Edward clap politely once they finish. Aro wags his finger underneath Bella's nose. "Now, young lady," he says. "You make sure you're good and dead by the time we call, you hear me?"

Bella gulps and nods emphatically, shooting Edward a beaming, victorious smile. Edward smiles back weakly before muttering under his breath to Alice, "Well, crap."

The lights fade.


	11. Act 2, Scene 4: Eclipse

Author's Note: I hate doing this, but PLEASE review and let us know what you think. We have ideas for another parody musical, but if this one doesn't really generate much interest it might not be worth it to spend the time writing it.

2.4 Eclipse

Two spotlights illuminate the newly darkened stage, one centered on Edward on the left side of the stage and the other on Jacob on the far right. Jacob is dressed in embarrassingly short denim shorts and nothing else. In contrast, Edward is flamboyantly dressed in a glittery spandex suit like those worn by male ice-skaters. They are facing away from each other, each clutching a piece of paper in their hand.

"Dear Bella…" Jacob reads.

"My dearest, darlingest Bella-baby…" Edward counters, throwing a competitive glare over his shoulder at the werewolf. Jacob crosses out a line on his paper and reads the new addition.

"My sweet Foo Foo Cuddly Poofs…"

In unison, they read aloud: "This sharing thing just isn't working!"

Another spotlight lights up the center of the stage, showing Bella standing between them, looking confused and conflicted.

"But I can't choose!" she wails. The men throw their letters over their shoulders, spin around, and begin dancing a three-person tango with Bella, all the while singing…

**"Never Going to Work"**

To the tune of "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

Sung by Edward Cullen, Jacob Black and Alice Cullen

_Edward and Jacob: This is never going to work, is never going to work_

_We just can't share her_

_Edward: I abandoned her before, abandoned her before_

_Now I'm back for more_

_I've told Bella what to do, told Bella what to do_

_Said she can't see you_

As Jacob and Edward take turns dancing with Bella around the stage and aggressively confronting the other through song, a figure moves into the outskirts of the light: Victoria. Whenever the tango draws Bella near to the edge, Victoria lunges at her with a murderous look in her eyes, always missing her by inches but still remaining unnoticed by the other three.

_Edward: Because you're more than just a danger, you're more than just a danger_

_You want to get with her!_

_Edward and Jacob: We're all monsters on opposite sides_

_And Bella is our monkey in the middle_

_Yeah, in the middle, in the middle, yeah_

_Bella's the monkey in the middle_

Jacob and Edward draw Bella into a tug-of-war contest between the two of them, putting an end to their tango. Having lost her opportunity, Victoria pouts in the corner of the stage for a few moments, then perks up as if she has just gotten a brilliant idea. Laughing and rubbing her hands together evilly, she exits from the stage.

_Jacob: You are so full of hot air, you're so full of hot air_

_'Bout this whole affair_

_She's the one who has to choose, the one who has to choose_

_And I'm sure you will lose!_

_Edward and Jacob: We're all monsters on opposite sides_

_And Bella is our monkey in the middle_

_Yeah, in the middle, in the middle, yeah_

_We tug o' war with her in the middle_

Alice dashes on stage from the right, trying valiantly to break up the tug-of-war before Bella's arms are stretched out. She joins in the song, as well.

_Alice: She's not the only one, not the only one, not the only_

_Edward and Jacob: We're all monsters on opposite sides_

_And Bella is our monkey in the middle_

_Yeah, in the middle, in the middle, yeah_

_We tug o' war with her in the middle_

_Alice: You are both Neanderthals, you're both Neanderthals_

_It's her choice, let her decide!_

_She would like to have it all, would like to have it all_

_But you're too stubborn!_

_All: This is never going to work!_

Finally, Alice succeeds in breaking up the fight between Jacob and Edward. Bella collapses at their feet, crying, and Alice pats her head soothingly.

"Seriously, guys!" she cries indignantly. "Let Bella decide for herself! Can't you see what this is doing to her! It's not like she was all that emotionally strong to begin with! Abandonment issues, a martyrdom complex! She's on the verge of a mental breakdown! Besides, don't you think we have more important things to worry about?" She points to stage right an instant before Victoria enters again, cradling a blanket against her chest and pulling a baby carriage.

Edward, Jacob, and Alice gasp in horror.

"What the…?" Jacob starts, only to be interrupted by Alice.

"She's brought newborn vampires, the strongest and most unpredictable of our kind!" As if in answer, a vicious snarl comes from the carriage.

Victoria laughs victoriously. "I told you I'd get you, Bella! And your little family, too!" She starts to sing:

**"Bad Vamps Reprise"**

To the tune of "Colors of the Wind" by Disney

Sung by Victoria

_Victoria: New vamps will create an army_

_And I'll teach them all so they'll cover me_

_Oh she can try to run from me but she cannot hide_

_I'll murder those who try to stand between_

_I'll avenge the bloody death of my companion_

_This will be the biggest battle they have seen_

_Though they may be out of hand,_

_Still a slaughter I have planned_

_In this, the biggest battle they have seen._

Having waited patiently for Victoria to finish her song, Edward and Jacob finally take fighting stances around where Bella still sits on the stage, while Alice yells, "Cullens, unite!" The remainder of the Cullen family jumps from the sidelines, prepared to protect Bella against Victoria and her two infants.

Suddenly, two dozen additional carriages roll on the stage, forming a circle with Victoria around the others.

"Oh no! We're surrounded!" Emmett cries.

"We're going to need help!" Rosalie agrees. All the Cullens look at Jacob expectantly. After a moment, he sighs in resigned agreement. "Oh, fine. But you owe me!" He transforms into his bearlike wolf form, then throws back his head and howls loudly, and members of the Wolf Pack appear, forming another circle on the outside of the carriages.

Victoria shows no alarm at the sudden appearance of the werewolves. With a smile, she says, "Now, it's getting good," and throws her blanketed snarling newborn at Edward. With a growl to mirror the bundle's, she launches herself after it, and the chaotic battle begins.

Pandemonium rules the scene as the Cullens and the Wolf Pack battle the unseen newborns in the carriages. The only truly visible fighter is Victoria, but she jumps around the stage like a polecat, trying to make her way to Bella and evading Edward, Alice, and Emmett respectively. However uneven the fighting seems to be, the carriages seem to be holding their own; one has somehow pinned Paul beneath its wheel, and another is bearing down on Rosalie.

In the midst of the battle, two human men fight their way to the center of the circle, one tall with dark hair and a strong yet boyish face and the other slightly shorter with a square jaw and chiseled features. They are both wearing faded jeans, and the taller one wears a tan coat while the shorter man wears a brown leather jacket. In the span of a few moments, they seize six carriages and throw them off-stage, defeating a quarter of the newborns in record time. They exit the stage again as quickly as they appeared, having turned the tide of the battle in favor of the Cullens.

Carlisle, fighting back-to-back with Jasper, yells over his shoulder, "Who were they?"

Jasper responds, "The Winchesters. Met up with them in Austin. They're hunters. They came to help."

Eventually, almost all the carriages are taken care of, and Victoria is left fighting the Cullens and the Werewolf Pack with only the assistance of a single pram. She glares into the midst of her enemies to Bella, who has not moved throughout the duration of the battle. With one last feral cry, she launches herself at the still-seated brunette, only to be caught by the scruff of her neck by Emmett. Together, he, Edward, and Carlisle stuff the furious redhead into the remaining carriage and send it careening off-stage, never to be seen again.

Panting heavily, the werewolves and vampires left onstage exchange wary looks, then burst into triumphant cheers at the long-last defeat of Victoria. Bella finally gets to her feet and joins in, hugging and kissing first Edward, then Jacob, then returning to Edward.

Withdrawing from their embrace, Edward claims, "Wait, wait, wait! I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity to do this, and now that we've defeated a seriously evil vampire and are in front of our family and friends, it seems like the time has come!" He drops to his knees before her and pulls a small velvet box out of his pocket. "Bella Swann, will you marry me?"

"Oh, Edward, I thought you'd never ask!"

A collective blissful sigh runs through the surrounding circle, but Bella seems more uncertain.

"No, really, I never thought you'd ask. I love you, but I'm not sure I like you enough to put a ring on it." She glances around at the others, her eyes finally landing on Jacob's heartbroken face, before returning her attention to Edward.

"In fact, I'm a little iffy about this whole marriage thing altogether. But…considering that you're supposed to be a gentleman and you won't let me tap that until we get hitched, I'll give in." A confused silence follows her proclamation.

Edward finally speaks up, clarifying, "So does that mean…?"

Bella smiles and slips the ring on her finger.

"Yes, Edward, I will marry you."

End scene.


	12. Act 2, Scene 5: Bella

Author's Note: Getting down to the wire now, guys-only one more after this chapter. Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to review!

2.5 Bella

Following the proposal of the last scene, a large portion of the cast return onstage dressed in their finest attire. Among them are the Cullens, the Fork Folks and even some members of the Wolf Pack. Alice rushes Bella offstage. Edward also exits, only to reappear a moment later wearing a bright turquoise suit jacket with a sequined tie. The wedding guests form two cohesive clusters, leaving an aisle down the middle of the stage. Edward takes his place at the end of the aisle, with Emmett right beside him standing as the best man. Bella and Alice reenter. Bella is dressed in a fluffy wedding dress, with big, poufy sleeves and a veil that is taller than she is.

She joins Edward at the front, and they clasp hands. "I love your tie, Edward! It's as dazzling as you are!"

Edward beams, opens his mouth and sings:

**"The Wedding"**

To the tune of "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves

Sung by Edward Cullen and Bella Swan

_Edward: I still can't believe I convinced you to say our "I do's_

_Here I thought we'd still be at odds until we both turn blue_

_Now finally you walk down the aisle and you're all dressed in white_

_'Cause so many years I've waited for a future this bright_

_Both: Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Edward: I'll fin'lly get laid!_

_Hey! Alright now,_

_I'll fin'lly get laid!_

As Edward and Bella sing, the wedding guests start swaying in place, and then begin dancing a jive with the people standing next to them. Several of the pairs are stranger than others. For instance, Tyler and Mike are left do-si-doing with each other.

_Bella: The bargain was after we're married, I would finally turn_

_'Cause being with you after life is my only concern_

_If it means we're together forever I'll bear any pain_

_Though I'm not very happy you forced me to wear a white train_

_Both: Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Today we'll be married, at last!_

_Bella: I'll fin'lly get laid!_

_Hey! Alright now,_

_I'll fin'lly get laid!_

_Oh, yeah,_

_I'll fin'lly get laid!_

_Both: We're getting married_

_We're getting married_

_Now kiss the bride, now kiss the bride, now kiss the bride to seal the deal_

_Now kiss the bride, now kiss the bride, now kiss the bride to seal the deal_

_And now we are married, at last!_

_And now we are married, at last!_

_And now we are married, at last!_

_We'll fin'lly get laid!_

The song ends with everyone on stage still dancing with their respective partners, this time doing a country line dance in one big line. Charlie sobs at watching his little girl get hitched, but is pulled into the line along with everyone else. Edward dips Bella and kisses her, before sweeping her into his arms and rushing offstage, announcing for the whole stage—and the audience—to hear, "I've been a virgin for over 50 years; I'm not waiting any longer!"

The only one who notices their departure is Jacob, who stares after them with a hangdog expression on his face.

One by one, the wedding guests dance offstage until the only ones left are the Cullens and Jacob. A jazzy tune breaks the relative silence. Rosalie pulls out her cell phone and flips it open.

"Hello? Bella? Why are you calling _me?_ We hate each other. You're changing the status quo here!" She listens for a few seconds, then gasps. "What? You're _pregnant_? That was quick; you don't waste any time, do you?"

The rest of the Cullens are now hanging onto her every word, eager to find out the gossip. Rosalie continues her phone conversation, nodding her head. "Of course I'll help, even if the baby kills you! I'd rather have the baby than you, anyway! Now, when will you be home?"

At that moment, Bella and Edward reenter the stage, both wearing flowing, Grecian-style togas, complete with golden wreaths on their heads. Bella is holding a cell phone to her ear. "Can you see me now? Good."

Rosalie flips her phone closed and everyone onstage stares, mouths gaping open, at Bella, whose bulging belly suggests that she is at least five months pregnant.

Alice rushes over, hugging Bella and asking, "How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Pickles? Ice cream?" Bella shakes her head.

Edward throws his hands into the air. "Someone talk some reason into her, will you? She's convinced she's going to carry the baby to term, even if it kills her!"

"She can't! Not if it kills her!" Jacob states in horror.

Rosalie puts her hands on her hips and states aggressively, "Of course she can!"

Bella steps to the middle of the stage and explains herself in song:

**"New Life"**

To the tune of "Holding Out For a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler

Sung by Bella Cullen and Rosalie Hale

_Bella: My honeymoon was all I dreamed_

_Since I was just a girl_

_Romantic scenes and privacy_

_Within our little world_

_Though it was supposed to be my last human goodbye_

_Seems as though I've been knocked up, which threw our plans aside_

_'Cause it's a new life!_

_I'm holding on 'til I bring this baby into this life_

_He's gonna arrive_

_And he's gotta survive_

_And he'll never know trouble or strife_

_It's a new life!_

_I'm holding on 'til I bring this baby out of the night_

_He's gonna be whole_

_And he's gotta be sound_

_And I know that he will be alright_

_He'll be alright_

_Rosalie: I'm so glad you called me_

_Chose to place your trust in me_

_I'm the one who's on the side_

_Of this defenseless lil' baby_

_Bella this I promise you that even if you die_

_I'll raise your child as my own and here's the reason why:_

_'Cause it's a new life!_

_Keep holding on 'til you bring this baby into this life_

_He's gonna arrive_

_And he's gotta survive_

_And he'll never know trouble or strife_

_It's a new life!_

_Keep holding on 'til you bring this baby out of the night_

_He's gonna be whole_

_And he's gotta be sound_

_And I know that he will be alright_

_'Cause it's a new life!_

_Keep holding on 'til you bring this baby into this life_

_Both: For now this baby is our brand new goal_

_Who we'll protect at any cost_

_Against all opposition we will not be crossed_

_Against husband and family alike_

_We will dare them to try_

_In this case we will stand together as allies_

_'Cause it's a new life!_

_We're holding on 'til we bring this baby into this life_

_He's gonna arrive_

_And he's gotta survive_

_And he'll never know trouble or strife_

_It's a new life!_

_We're holding on 'til we bring this baby out of the night_

_He's gonna be whole_

_And he's gotta be sound_

_And I know that he will be alright_

_'Cause it's a new life!_

_We're holding on 'til we bring this baby into this life!_

During the song, plush armchairs are pushed onstage, making a living room scene behind the group. Rosalie clenches her fist in a passion fist as she holds out the last line. Rather than finishing the last note strongly, Bella groans and grabs her stomach, her voice fading out. Jasper and Emmett jump to grab her arms and lead her to the nearest chair. Edward kneels by her, taking her hand. Jacob paces behind the chair. Carlisle examines her face worriedly and sizes up the problem in a moment.

"She's starving." Esme and Alice gasp. Rosalie kneels by Bella's other side.

"How is the baby?"

Her question is ignored.

Carlisle rubs his forehead. "I'm stumped, to be perfectly honest. We've tried giving her everything: liver and onions, tripe, sushi, escargot, even haggis. But nothing works! The baby is rejecting everything!"

"Have you tried blood?" Jacob interjects.

Everyone stares at him dumbfoundedly. He shrugs. "Well, he is half-vampire, so…"

Emmett brings a plastic bottle from behind his back and hands it to Bella. "I was saving it for a midnight snack, but I guess you need it more."

Bella takes a sip, licks her lips and smiles. "I think it's working!"

Carlisle nudges Jacob with his elbow. "A family of vampires and _you're_ the one who figures out the vampire baby wants blood? Are you _sure _you're not one of us?"

Bella gasps and grabs her stomach, "Oh! I felt a kick!"

Rosalie lays her hand on Bella's stomach too, slapping Edward's hand away when he tries to move her. "I feel it too! He's really moving!"

"She." Edward sounds awed. "It's a girl. I can hear her thoughts! She's thinking 'It's about time I got some real food. Bunch of geniuses you all are!'"

Bella smiles, tears in her eyes. "A girl. Let's name her after our mothers."

Alice looks at her. "You mean name her Esme Renee? Or Renee Esme?"

Bella shakes her head. "I was thinking we could combine the names. How about Renesmee?"

Jasper barks out a laugh, then tries to disguise it with a cough.

"What's she saying now?" Bella asks Edward.

"That she wants out."

As if on cue, Bella screams in agony, doubling over. Carlisle kneels beside her, yelling instructions at his family members. "I need boiling water and towels—lots of them! And somebody grab my medical kit—she'll want an epidural when the contractions _really_ start!"

Esme and Emmett run out of the room to retrieve the items. Rosalie, Alice and Jasper crowd in front of the armchair, blocking Bella from everyone's view, particularly the audience. Edward and Jacob pace at the front of the stage like nervous fathers, passing each other at the middle. Esme and Emmett return with their arms full and pass the supplies through the wall of Cullens to Carlisle on the inside. They then join the wall themselves.

A baby's cry fills the stage, stopping Edward and Jacob in their tracks. Carlisle emerges from the circle and hands the crying baby to Edward, muttering, "She might not make it," and returns to tend to Bella. A scream is heard from inside the circle. Edward glances once at baby Renesmee before gingerly handing her to Jacob and following Carlisle.

Jacob stares down at the bundle in his arms with a star-struck expression. He raises the baby into the air, displaying her crying face a la _Lion King,_ and sings:

**"Imprint"**

To the tune of "Sweet Home Alabama"

Sung by Jacob Black

_Before this all happened_

_I was convinced it was all wrong_

_Bella saw through my feelings_

_But she begged me to go along_

_Though I didn't belong, no_

_Still I was dead set against this baby_

_And I labeled her a parasite_

_But now I know there is no maybe_

_This Cullen vermin's my whole world and my light_

_For though she's a day old_

_She's the one who's meant for me_

_As soon as I saw her_

_I knew together we would be_

_She is the one that I've been searching_

_My imprint and my other half_

_Now for her I would do anything_

_I'd even brave her father's wrath_

_When he's mad_

_For though she's a day old_

_She's the one who's meant for me_

_As soon as I saw her_

_I knew together we would be_

_(Musical Interlude)_

_Now I'm aware that this is crazy_

_For there are years between the two of us_

_So for now I'll be a brother_

_Until in age she catches up_

_To her wolf pup_

_For though she's a day old_

_She's the one who's meant for me_

_As soon as I saw her_

_I knew together we would be_

_For though she's a day old_

_(Or a little less)_

_She's the one who's meant for me_

_(And she'll agree)_

_As soon as I saw her_

_(Oh, yeah)_

_I knew together we would be_

Rosalie comes to claim the baby from Jacob and walks offstage with her. Jacob follows like a lovesick puppy. The wall of Cullens finally disperses as Carlisle and Edward emerge from the middle. Edward has changed clothes yet again, this time into ripped blue jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather bomber jacket. His hair style is reminiscent of Danny Zuko from _Grease_. Bella is writhing on the armchair. Carlisle rubs his hands with a towel, saying gravely, "It's done. In three days she'll be as dead as the rest of us."

Suddenly, Bella jumps up from her chair, startling everyone. Carlisle checks his watch with a bewildered expression, "Again, very short 72 hours."

Bella throws her arms around Edward, squeezes him, and then reels back to ask, "Where's my baby?" The rest of the Cullens exchange rather uncomfortable looks before pointing offstage towards where Rosalie had disappeared with the baby. The woman in question enters from the opposite side, leading a little girl with dark hair by the hand. Jacob is clutching the girl's other hand.

"What are you guys looking at?"

Everyone jumps again, visibly startled. Esme is the first to recover, and makes the introductions between mother and child.

"Bella, here's Renesmee. Renesmee, meet your mommy."

Bella stares in confusion at her daughter, who is now big enough to be a toddler despite having only just been born. Renesmee runs to embrace her, then puts her hands on either side of Bella's face, chanting "Ohmm, ohmmm". Bella looks shocked, and her eyes become slightly glazed.

Jacob clears his throat. "Nessie, it's snacktime."

Renesmee obediently takes Jacob's hand again and is led back offstage. The other Cullens follow, Emmett remarking, "Finally! I'm starving for some O negative!"

Bella is left alone onstage, watching as the others disappear. Her lips form the name 'Nessie?', but not a sound escapes from her lips. She turns to face the audience. "What…was that?"

Clearly not expecting an answer, Bella continues in song:

**"Nessie"**

To the tune of "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood

Sung by Bella Swan

_Three days: the number I was under_

_For my heart to stop_

_And my whole entire world change_

_Three days: I had a little girl_

_And then it all went dark_

_Now ev'rything is so strange_

_Because this toddler is before me_

_And through mem'ries_

_She keeps calling me her mommy_

_It seems to be_

_My girl has grown up far too fast_

_I've missed essential moments of her past_

_Now I must discover who is she_

_She has already stolen her way in our lives_

_Charmed us all with her doe-eyes_

_But they had the gall to nickname her 'Nessie'_

_Nessie, the oddest nickname that_

_I. would. not. have. thought. to ever name her_

_And yet, her real name is Renesmee_

_And I am thinking that it's really not much better_

_But now I'm simply gonna stop and hold my tongue to wait and see_

_It seems to be_

_My girl has grown up far too fast_

_I've missed essential moments of her past_

_Now I must discover who is she_

_She has already stolen her way in our lives_

_Charmed us all with her doe-eyes_

_But they had the gall to nickname her 'Nessie'_

_Now I'm fin'lly bonding with my little girl_

_But for me she'll never be_

_No, you know she won't be 'Nessie'_

_No, not 'Nessie'_

_My girl has grown up far too fast_

_I've missed essential moments of her past_

_Now I must discover who is she_

_She has already stolen her way in our lives_

_Charmed us all with her doe-eyes_

_But they had the gall to nickname her 'Nessie'_

_Oh, they had the gall to nickname her 'Nessie'_

_Ohhh, not 'Nessie'_

During the last singing of the chorus, the Cullens, Jacob and Renesmee have filed back onstage. Rosalie is carrying Renesmee, but the others are holding cigarette lighters and waving them in the air as Bella finishes singing. Rosalie sways with Renesmee as her stand-in lighter. The lights dim until the tiny flames are the only remaining source of light before they, too, are extinguished, leaving the stage dark.


	13. Act 2, Scene 6: Breaking Dawn

Author's Note: Well, here it is everyone: the last chapter! Hope you've enjoyed reading it as much as we enjoyed writing it. Review and let us know what you think-and don't forget to keep an eye out for new developments!

2.6 Breaking Dawn

When the lights come back on after Bella's solo from the last scene, everyone is in the exact same position as before. The only thing that has changed is Renesmee; she now looks to be about five years old. Instead of being held by Rosalie, she is standing on her own, holding onto Rosalie with one hand and Jacob with the other.

All of a sudden, Alice gasps. A second later, so does Edward. He moans, muttering, "Man, are we in for it!"

Alice grabs Jasper's hand and turns to Carlisle. Speaking very quickly, she gives him the lowdown. "The Volturi will be here soon. They think you broke the law and that Renesmee's dangerous. Jasper and I need to go. But you should make up a lot of extra guest beds. You'll need them approximately five seconds after we exit."

She and Jasper disappear stage left. Almost immediately, a crowd of people enter stage right. Among them are The Denali Coven, The Irish Coven, The Romanian Coven, The Egypt Coven, and all of the other members of the Vampire Chorus. The only one to introduce themself is Benjamin, who smiles and shakes Emmett's hand. "Hi. I'm Ben."

The vampires organize themselves into easily-distinguishable groups by coven and begin singing introductions:

**"Vampires of the World"**

To the tune of "If You Wanna Be My Lover" by the Spice Girls

Sung by The Vampire Chorus

_Vampire Chorus: So together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_Together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_Together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_Together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_We've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered_

_We've gathered here together so we can take a stand now_

_Charlotte and Peter: Well we've heard the story and we agree_

_That we all will stand with you to fight for peace_

_Siobhan: When Maggie says jump, we say 'how high?'_

_If she says she trusts you then we're on your side_

_Vampire Chorus: So together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_Together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_We've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered_

_We've gathered here together so we can take a stand now_

_Denali Coven: We are all here to make sure you can tell your tale_

_Very few have seen a coven of this scale_

_We are all here to make sure that you guys survive_

_We'll be ready for when the Volturi arrive_

_Benjamin: I hold all of the sway and I'll answer your plea_

_Not even Amun chooses to combat me_

_Amazon Coven: Our bond is so strong, we work as one_

_If we fight together we won't be outdone_

_Vampire Chorus: So together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_Together here we are and we've traveled very far_

_We've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered, we've gathered_

_We've gathered here together so we can take a stand now_

_Denali Coven: We are all here to make sure you can tell your tale_

_Very few have seen a coven of this scale_

_We are all here to make sure that you guys survive_

_We'll be ready for when the Volturi arrive_

_Garrett: Now I am here 'cause I heard it said that the Volturi_

_They all want you dead_

_So I came all this way to join into the fray_

_'Cause me I am free I never wanna-_

_All I see is opportunity of a risky spree_

_So I won't flee, that's not me_

_Danger is my name, adventure is my game_

_Danger is my name, adventure is my game_

_Denali Coven: We are all here to make sure you can tell your tale_

_Very few have seen a coven of this scale_

_We are all here to make sure that you guys survive_

_We'll be ready for when the Volturi arrive_

_Vampire Chorus: We are all here to make sure_

_You tell 'em, you tell 'em, you tell 'em, you tell 'em, you tell 'em_

_(All all all all)_

_You tell them your tale_

_We know you are right so we're prepared to fight_

_We know you are right so we're prepared to fight_

_We know you are right so we're prepared to fight_

_We know you are right so take a stand now_

_We are all here together._

At the end of the song, all of the vampires onstage are dancing in synchronized hip-hop movements—all except for Stefan and Vladimir of the Romanian coven. When everyone looks at them expectantly, Vladimir shakes his head.

"We don't dance. Or sing. Or smile."

Edward steps forward to make a speech. "Thank you, everyone, for coming. We really appreciate the risk you're taking to be here. I think we really stand a chance now! And we have an advantage in our friends."

At that, Jacob faces offstage and whistles. The Wolf Pack rushes onstage in animal form, attracted by his signal. Edward counts them and smiles, then turns towards the other side of the stage. Everyone else mimics his actions, so that all people onstage are facing in the same direction.

"As you know, the Volturi should be here any minute."

As if on cue, the Volturi enter the stage. Aro, Caius, Marcus, Alec and Jane are wearing red cloaks. Standing among the other cloaked figures is Irina, who is the only one wearing normal clothes in snow pants and a puffy winter parka. The two sides back up, leaving the middle of the stage as a barrier between them. Marcus purses his lips as he peruses the wall of mismatched vampires in front of him.

"Well, this is unexpected," he mutters to Aro.

Aro nods, and addresses Carlisle directly. "My brother, what's with the army?"

Carlisle opens his hands in supplication. "We only want to talk. I swear."

The Volturi crouch in defensive positions, and the three leaders begin singing:

**"Final Showdown"**

To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen

Sung by The Volturi, The Cullens, Irina, The Vampire Chorus, The Wolf Pack, Bella Cullen, Nahuel and Huilen

Aro, Caius and Marcus: You have an army

_Why have you gathered here_

_We see you're guilty_

_So maybe you're ruled by your fear_

_Carlisle: No you are wrong_

_This child can belong, it's clear_

Irina moves forward so that she is directly in the middle of the two groups. While singing her part, she alternates between addressing the Volturi and addressing the members of her own coven, the Denali Coven.

_Irina: I know what I saw_

_But there is something queer_

_Because this child I see, she was three_

_Now she's grown past my knee_

_Carlisle: There's more than what you see_

_She's not the vampire child she appears, she's queer_

_Aro: Now that we have met her_

_I see that you all are right_

_But there might be cause to fight_

_You see we must question now_

_Whether this alliance might be a mistake_

_Caius: And plus (ooo)_

_I see Children of the Night_

_Who stand there by your side as though they're guard dogs_

_Oh the shame, oh the shame!_

_An alliance with these fleabags_

_So now, we will force the hand_

_Irina, you must die; we were brought here on a lie_

Irina is pulled into the midst of the Volturi, where she completely disappears under their red cloaks. Kate and Tanya drop to all fours and start pawing the ground like angry bulls. They are forcibly detained, Tanya by Eleazar and Kate by Garrett. Garrett is forced to sit on Kate to prevent her jumping the Volturi.

_Denali Coven: Oh no, no you didn't!_

_Our sister's dead!_

_But we still won't press the line, it's what they want_

_Aro, Caius and Marcus: So now (ooo)_

_We're at an impasse_

_We must wait until their side attacks_

_(Guitar solo)_

During this next section of the song, all of the singers turn and face the audience, clasping their hands in front of their chests as they sing in an operatic fashion.

_Aro: But now I ask you all what will this young one become?_

_Edward and Bella: We don't know, we don't know, she's the only one we've seen!_

_All: Will she become dangerous, how on earth can we guess?_

_Egypt Coven: She grows quickly (She grows quickly)_

_Irish Coven: But she blends in (But she blends in)_

_All: So should she be put to death?_

_How can we know?_

_Garrett: I am a nomad, still I'm here today_

_And I can't believe, that this child you will slay_

_You still will fight just to get your own way_

_Aro: I'm afraid she's a threat, just what don't you get?_

When Jane and Alec sing, they make motions with their arms as though they are throwing a basketball, indicating that they are making their attacks. Bella crosses her arms in an 'X' across her chest to block their shots. With each motion, Jane gets more and more frantic, obviously getting frustrated with her failure; by the time she reaches the 'no' section, she is shrieking in rage and throwing invisible balls incessantly.

_Jane: Just you watch_

_I will catch them in my net_

_Bella: It won't work_

_Alec: Just you watch_

_I will make them forget_

_Bella: It won't work_

_Jane and Alec: Just you watch_

_This fight you will regret_

_Bella: It won't work (Alec and Jane: This you will regret)_

_It won't work (Jane: This you will regret) (Alec: You dare you dare you dare you dare)_

_It won't work_

_No, no, no, no, no, no, no_

Edward steps into the middle of the battle between his wife and the two Volturi members. He holds up his hands in a cease-fire and addresses Aro in a self-satisfied, victorious tone. As he sings, a panel at the back of the stage opens to reveal Alice, Jasper, Nahuel, Huilen, and the third Amazonian vampire. Alice and Jasper are holding guitars, Nahuel has his own microphone, Huilen is playing a tambourine and Zafrina is rocking out on a drum set.

_Edward: But wait a second, wait a second_

_What if we could prove she's safe?_

_For you will see, for she's not the only one of her kind, there's more, there's more_

_Alice: For now we've all arrived just in the nick of time_

_And Nahuel and Huilen are the answer you'll find_

_Nahuel: Yes, I am just the same as Renesmee_

_And though I am old, for years I have been the same age_

_All: So now, what now?_

Aro, Caius and Marcus visibly slump in defeat. Jane pouts and Alec's face remains as stoic as ever. They all produce tiny white flags from the sleeves of their cloaks and wave them reluctantly in the air in a gesture of surrender, all except for Jane, who shakes her head and crosses her arms defiantly.

_Aro: I guess our job's over_

_Though it breaks my heart_

_Yes, our job is over_

_We will turn around and depart_

The Volturi file offstage. Before exiting, Alec pulls a broom and dustpan from under his cloak and sweeps at a small pile of ash on their side of the stage—what is left of Irina. He takes it with him. Kate growls and clenches her fists as he disappears.

There is silence onstage. Esme asks, "Did we win?"

Emmett shrugs. "You know, it's kind of hard to tell."

Bella shushes him and looks intently at her husband for confirmation. Edward's brow is furrowed, as though he is concentrating very hard. Finally, his face clears and a smile breaks out.

"Yep. They're really leaving." He says in relief. "They're just going to stop for a bit of shopping in Los Angeles before hopping on the next plane to Italy. Caius is trying to convince them to visit Hollywood."

Uncertain cheers break out among the Vampire Chorus, the Cullen Family and the Wolf Pack, with notable exceptions. Garrett mentions to Kate, "Well, that was anticlimactic. I mean, I'm glad we're alive and all, but I was expecting a more exciting climax."

"All that buildup for nothing," Kate agrees.

Vladimir and Stefan do not even join in on the celebrations at all. They turn to leave the stage without a goodbye, stating in disappointment, "I wanted more bloodshed."

Everyone is hugging and patting each other on the back for a job-well-done that was not done at all. Peppy music begins playing and, as a chorus, the entire company starts to sing in celebration of their hardly-won victory. They break into covens once more, with the Cullen Coven—with Bella, Jacob and Renesmee—front and center, and start swing-dancing wildly around the stage.

**"So Now We've Won"**

To the tune of "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles

Sung by The Vampire Chorus, The Cullens, Bella Cullen, and The Wolf Pack

_So now we've won, so now we've won_

_We're happy 'gainst all odds_

_We expected that they would come and wipe us all out_

_But now instead they let us live, they had no choice_

_So now we've won, so now we've won_

_We're happy 'gainst all odds_

_They retreated then left with their tails between their legs_

_All that it took was just a word or maybe two_

_So now we've won, so now we've won_

_We're happy 'gainst all odds_

_Happy end, with great ease_

_Happy end, with great ease_

_Happy end, with great ease_

_Happy end, with great ease_

_Happy end, with great ease_

_Now our ending will be the stuff that dreams are made of_

_And the climax of this whole tale has been a joke_

_So now we've won, so now we've won_

_We're happy 'gainst all odds_

_So now we've won, so now we've won_

_'Gainst all odds_

_'Gainst all odds_

The cast members present onstage are joined by their peers during the last chorus, so that the entire company is lined up in a semicircle. In the last line, the entire Cullen family is pushed to the front of the stage, where they arrange themselves in positions resembling a family portrait, complete with fake smiles on their faces. The stage lights thin so that the Cullens are the only cast members left visible. The music and lights fade.

When the lights come back on, the stage is empty. Characters run on to take their bows during the curtain call, throwing gobs of glitter into the air and blowing kisses to the audience. As they accumulate onstage, the vampire cast members start eying their human peers hungrily. The last glimpse before the curtains close is Caius, bedazzled by flecks of glitter, inching his way towards an oblivious Mike Newton.

The curtains close.


	14. Author's Note

So not a whole lot of people tried our little reference game, but here is a comprehensive list (we think) of the sources for some of the jokes that we included in our Twilight musical:

**Title:**

-"Dazzle and Stretch" from the TV show _Psych_

**Act 1, Scene 4:**

-"I smell blood." from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

**Act 1, Scene 5:**

-"Elevensies" from _Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring_

-"You are not permitted to touch!" from _A Very Potter Musical_

-"So many regrets!" from _A Very Potter Musical_

**Act 1, Scene 6:**

-"These are not the droids you are looking for." From _Star Wars_

**Act 2, Scene 2:**

-"On Wednesdays, we wear pink." From _Mean Girls_

-"I'll get you for this, Edward! And your little human too!" adapted from _Wizard of Oz_

**Act 2, Scene 3:**

-"Oh, look. People." From _Pride and Prejudice_

**Act 2, Scene 4:**

-"My dearingest, darlingest Bella-baby" adapted from _Wicked_

-"My sweet Foo-foo Cuddly Poofs" from _Avatar: the Last Airbender_

-"Now it's getting good" from _Atlantis_

-The Winchesters reference: from the TV show _Supernatural_

**Act 2, Scene 5:**

-"What, was that?" from _Into the Woods_

-"Did we…win?" "I don't know, it was kind of hard to tell." adapted from _Avatar: the Last Airbender_

And finally, we have decided to reveal our plans for our next musical, which we hope to have written and posted by next summer, though we won't make any promises.

Therefore, without any further ado...(drumroll please)...be sure to stay tuned for _Go Fly a Kite: The Avatar the Last Airbender Musical, _coming soon!


End file.
